my plain and simple blog design

What’s with my blog design??

Some may wonder..

I don’t know if you do,

But I always did.

My blog design is simply just plain

One colour, how boring..

Well, in my other public blog which I blog under my real name

It’s colourful, joyful and just full of live!!

I often wonder,

Am I just lazy to experiment some design?

Or is this how my blog should be like?

Then I thought,

The only reason for my plain, boring, one-colour-only blog

Is simply because I just want to

pour all the

struggles . disappointment .  hardship . sucks to the core stuff in here.

It’s a reflection of the difficult and the less difficult days of my life.

And not to forget,

This blog has no intention to attract many visitors

It’s just written to vent, rant amongst all aims

Whoever who happen to drop by,

Thank you .. and I hope you find some encouragement here

If you are facing (I wouldn’t say suffering) something similar to mine

And if you are not,

I hope you are at least aware that there are many people in this world

who are having emotional and / or mental problems

and know that they are not insane, out of their minds or violent in any way

They are not facing what they are facing due to a spiritual impairment or sin

or is it a result of karma.

Probably,

We have different beliefs, spiritual beliefs,

But it doesn’t matter

As I recalled I used to be thinking over and over (called ruminating)

About the illness / condition I have

May it be my depression 2 years back

Or my bipolar currently

But now, as my mood is more stable

I realize (a deep realization) that

Fuck it!  It doesn’t matter!

For it’s not our obligation to tell other people..

Our coworkers / colleagues, employers, friends, relatives, or family members

About our condition.. our mental illness, our label(s)

It is not a must

If you or I do not feel comfortable doing that

then don’t.

It’s your problem / illness / difficulty / condition

It does not require someone else to know it,

For what they can do (if they can empathise)

is just to support.

Dear all

don’t forget

We all have something amazing called RESILIENCE

As long we have a strong resiliency

and backed up by determinationwe can overcome any adversity

It is being strong

Telling yourself ..

It’s okay if you messed up,

It’s okay if you are feeling depressed now,

for many hours, and unable to get out from that state.

It’s okay if you fail a subject at university

It’s okay if you feel suicidal at this point

It’s okay if you have been abused / raped / bullied  (well it’s not okay)

But whatever it is

If you don’t let it go and move on,

wouldn’t you be stuck in the past, sucked into it, really deep, like a black hole.

It may take time to heal from hurts, it’s okay, you must tell yourself

for in this journey of life,

it’s like a cycle

we are bound to have difficulties along the way

struggles and conflicts (may it be internal or external)

and we will bounce back from adversities,

as long we envision ourselves to get better, have a more balanced life

whatever the wish of yours may be.

Daily

remind yourself of what you truly want in your life

I believe many want happiness,

or simplicity

or wealth…

Sometimes, life can be super mean to some of us

Once, I even thought of doing drugs because I was just so depressed,

and nothing, literally nothing can pull me out from it

of course at that time I was being secretive about my condition

But know that psychedelic drugs can only give you what they call

“temporary pleasures”

the happiness that come from it does not last long

it will be very quick before you notice, you’re hooked

it’s similar to being chased by loan sharks,

it becomes a life of never-ending cycle

of getting high, crashed, needing drugs,

then you’ll do anything to get the money to buy them

Undeniably, many crazy thoughts run through my mind everyday

some may be something like

(warning)

How will I feel when I just run to the middle of the highway?

How does being crushed (literally) feel like? Does it help me escape the reality?

Does it help me finally escape difficulties?

Well, the above is just one of the examples

Just to sum it all,

The only way to cope with symptoms of mental illness(es)

and work towards recovery is

FIRST: Don’t go and care about the ‘BS’ DSM label (they don’t matter)

you know what you’re facing / going through

SECOND: Tell yourself to keep hanging on HoPE!!

you have hope as long as you live on!

THIRD: Give thanks for everyday you live and try to live a balanced Life.

that includes:

• social life
• family life
• interests / hobbies
• work / academics and
• exercise, have a balanced & nutritious diet

I was told the last one (balanced life) by a counselor that I saw a few weeks back.

At that moment, I realize that that didn’t even cross my mind

for I was just “enjoying” and “cramming” my time with Work, Work and Work

voluntary work, academics, internship, many extra classes (music, make up, movies) and part time job

I forgot that I needed exercise, social interaction and to be close with my family.

Everything I did was on my own

and that’s it!

I fear interaction because I suspect that other people have ulterior motives

they will hurt me and harm me (physically / emotionally)

these are just a small part of what I deal with

I do hope this piece is helpful to you and speaks some truth of what people with mental illness face.

 

Till the next time

See ya

Messy Me

Coping with Bipolar II Disorder

Visit to the Doctor

Recently, during my visit to my Pdoc, I received my diagnosis of Bipolar II Disorder with some BPD tendencies. I didn’t want to accept it simply because I always thought I only had Depression, a mental illness which is much more common in the society and had less stigma attached to it.  My days were difficult to bear as some days (like yesterday) I would be so sad and unable / do not want to do anything… Just lying in bed was what I always do during these times.  Sometimes, I know the cause of the sadness but there will still be times, I really do not know what is the trigger.

 

Self Pity

This is something I normally do when I get so emotional thinking about my crazy intense emotions flowing all over my body.   I just feel so incapable, nothing seemed possible anymore.  I get even more upset when I am unable to voice this out to anyone around me, such as friends and family.  It seems I would tell many people around me that I am dealing with this disorder, hoping someone would just Understand… No one seems to be able to relate to my experiences except a few of my friends who cope with some form of mental illness.

 

Counselling

I used to go to counselling sessions very often last year to help myself cope with my academics.   My counsellor then seems helpful at some times, yet mean during a few occasions.  I thought at some point what she did was just reflecting what I said back to me, and that did not help a single bit.

There was a short period of time where I was able to voice out some of my difficulties and things I always wanted to say to my parents through one session of family counselling.

But now, it seems everything is back to the way it was.  I am not talking to my parents and family members anymore.  I hide in my room whenever I am in my depressive mood, and just unable to lift my sadness voluntarily.  Telling myself to acknowledge, accept then let go of those negative feelings don’t relieve my negative emotions as they used to.

 

Fear

Most of the days, I am sucked into the whirlpool of Fear..  All I felt was Fear.  I was so so afraid that life would be over for me, I would not have a future, simply because the mood swings (from Bipolar) will always continue. They seemed to be going on forever.

 

Looking at it in a Positive light

Right now, as I am writing in a slightly happier mood, I try to live everyday step by step.  During the depressive state, I tell myself it’s okay.  It (the sad feelings) will soon pass.  I try to encourage myself, there will be a day where I’m able to see light at the end of the tunnel.

          Giving thanks

I tell myself to give thanks for everything that I am able to do.  Like now, I am able to hold a permanent Part-time job as well as work 6 days a week before my university degree course commences.

        It’s only a label, it’s not who you are, it’s simply what you deal with

Bipolar II disorder with BPD traits, this is only a label from the DSM V – The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5th revision).  Knowing the diagnosis does not make me feel any better, and it should never make you feel less adequate compared to your peers.  Just like physical illnesses like Hypertension and Diabetes, this illness also affect those who suffer from it.  Mood swings, irritability, major depression are just some of the things people with Bipolar II deal with.  that’s all.

Actively being aware of where your emotions are going to is the first step to begin coping with this disorder.  Then, choose your reaction to the feeling, i.e. anger, sadness, irritability, hyper and anything else along those lines. Know that you can be in control of your own feelings and emotions for it came from within, didn’t it?

 

Google + and Community that I own

I am currently connected on Google + under the name Messy Me.  I am also the owner of Bipolar II Disorder Support and Sharing Group. Those who are interested are welcomed to join and I hope that you will feel much better knowing there are millions in the world who face similar difficulties as you.

Messy Me