Tag Archives: mood swing

Visit to the Pdoc

this day is the day where I am supposed to see my Dr again.

During this appointment, I had many things to tell him.  About my crazy hyper cool yeah mode at work which just happened out of the sudden… and also the days where I don’t feel like doing anything.

As usual, he offered possible explanations to my complaints. Making as if things are normal. As in it’s normal to feel restless, not wanting to work on some days, while passionate to do what I do on other days.

I questioned his diagnosis this time, asking him if he was sure it wasn’t a pure depression.  I forgot his response, as I was just out-of-it at that time.  I often get distracted in sessions.  Just like my counselling sessions before.

Frankly speaking, i wanted myself to be able to stop medications and all those sessions a.s.a.p. !! It makes me feel dependent on medications.  But i just knew I would be desperately wanting to go back on meds when I start to face problems particularly emotional problems or make-believed problems.

I seem to always want to understand everything I deal with on a daily basis.  It’s like something I NEED TO ACHIEVE.  unsure why.

When I told Dr I called a helpline for some comfort during my sadness, he said that he doubt how they would be able to help.  As I contacted a clinical psych to ask for charges, it turn out to be 300 over bucks for a one-hour session.  Even though I should be able to claim the money, at this point of time, I do not see a need for that yet.

What was even more depressing and making me suspect his motives is that he said it could take months and months for me to get to the level of “normal” that I want. He asked me what I expected from him,  I don’t know.. Now I think of it, I would probably say Miracle.

I got to learn to be patient, he says.  I don’t want to!  I just need to get back on track ASAP and do what I love, at my very best!

I also asked him if my history of depression and this thing now would affect my future employment. He believes not as seeking medical help is a private matter, NO ONE needs to know.  I agree to this too!  I CHOOSE WHO and WHEN to tell.  No one else can tell me otherwise.

What I forgot to tell him was that the medications seriously affect my concentration. I could not focus on driving nor playing the piano.  I have a piano exam soon in March.  I got to focus which I hardly can with the meds playing around with my brain.

FInally, I got my prescription for Seroquel and Lamictal at the same doses again. This time, surprisingly, he charged higher fee of 120 bucks compared to its usual 90 bucks consultation. it was 45-50 minutes long. Not sure why he charges at a higher rate, didn’t bother to ask at that time either.

Tada, that’s all

Messy Me

Overwhelmed with fear and sadness

I FUCK LIFE!!!! WONT YOU MOOD SWINGS and BP2 LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM SO TIRED, I CANT SEEM TO DO ANYTHING RIGHT darn it!!! Another hours of suffering… that will never end. What’s the POINT!!! look at the bright side. what bright side? You feel a little ok now right? Then it’s gonna be fine. You always do get fine. I will be soon..

Today is yet another day where I feel the downs again.  I just am disappointed in my inability to predict what my mood will be in the next moment.  I don’t know, really.

I waited for a time where I could have my privacy. I called a local helpline, not putting any expectations, just calling hoping for someone to lean on, who will listen to me.

As usual, the beginning of the conversation while calling a helpline is full of fear.  I trembled as I try to explain my condition to the stranger at the line on the other side of the phone.

I felt comfort as the person emphatise with my condition.  She seemed to be able to comprehend what I was saying.  I felt relieved.  After 1 hour of talk, she gave me some tips to cope with my overwhelming moments of depressive states.

I slept the night feeling peaceful. 

Venting out some struggles

I just came back from a short trip in Phuket, Thailand.  It was a great trip with pretty decent massages fr the Thai.

Today I decide to talk more of my feelings towards my psychiatric treatment.

My last part of my Journey in Therapy is still under construction so be patient.

It’s been 3 months of my visits to my Pdoc.  Honestly I don’t know what’s my diagnosis. Sometimes, I don’t bother knowing as I feel I know what I’m having difficulties with hence having a diagnosis doesn’t really make a difference.  But at this point, I feel the Urgent need to know what the heck I’m going through!

at first, I managed to ask my Pdoc about what are the probable diagnosis/ses. He told me it may be Depression, Bipolar II or BPD.

i thought I would get an answer fr him shortly after that particular session,but unfortunately I didn’t.

I have had 5 appointments with him so far, and already spent 1500+ on medical & consultation fees.

The worst thing is as I just told him in our last session that I was REALLY feeling better, I wanted to taper off the meds and he told me that even so I need to be on them for at least 1/2 a year to 1 year as maintainence treatment.

Sigh.. I realized these few days where I was in Phuket, I find my temper was out of my control. I get heated up easily and I tend to shout at my family.. like real loud. I felt guilty always after the shouting. I don’t know why I seem to be unable to control.

Pdoc lowered my Lamictal dosage fr 50mg to 25mg during my last visit. So I guessed it might be because of that perhaps.

Anyway, tomorrow I hope it will be a great day as I will collect my internship confirmation letter as well as go for a lunch date with a guy friend.  I like him but I am not sure if he is right for me.

Hoping that everything goes smoothly tomorrow.

messy me ~