Visit to the Doctor
Recently, during my visit to my Pdoc, I received my diagnosis of Bipolar II Disorder with some BPD tendencies. I didn’t want to accept it simply because I always thought I only had Depression, a mental illness which is much more common in the society and had less stigma attached to it. My days were difficult to bear as some days (like yesterday) I would be so sad and unable / do not want to do anything… Just lying in bed was what I always do during these times. Sometimes, I know the cause of the sadness but there will still be times, I really do not know what is the trigger.
This is something I normally do when I get so emotional thinking about my crazy intense emotions flowing all over my body. I just feel so incapable, nothing seemed possible anymore. I get even more upset when I am unable to voice this out to anyone around me, such as friends and family. It seems I would tell many people around me that I am dealing with this disorder, hoping someone would just Understand… No one seems to be able to relate to my experiences except a few of my friends who cope with some form of mental illness.
I used to go to counselling sessions very often last year to help myself cope with my academics. My counsellor then seems helpful at some times, yet mean during a few occasions. I thought at some point what she did was just reflecting what I said back to me, and that did not help a single bit.
There was a short period of time where I was able to voice out some of my difficulties and things I always wanted to say to my parents through one session of family counselling.
But now, it seems everything is back to the way it was. I am not talking to my parents and family members anymore. I hide in my room whenever I am in my depressive mood, and just unable to lift my sadness voluntarily. Telling myself to acknowledge, accept then let go of those negative feelings don’t relieve my negative emotions as they used to.
Most of the days, I am sucked into the whirlpool of Fear.. All I felt was Fear. I was so so afraid that life would be over for me, I would not have a future, simply because the mood swings (from Bipolar) will always continue. They seemed to be going on forever.
Looking at it in a Positive light
Right now, as I am writing in a slightly happier mood, I try to live everyday step by step. During the depressive state, I tell myself it’s okay. It (the sad feelings) will soon pass. I try to encourage myself, there will be a day where I’m able to see light at the end of the tunnel.
I tell myself to give thanks for everything that I am able to do. Like now, I am able to hold a permanent Part-time job as well as work 6 days a week before my university degree course commences.
It’s only a label, it’s not who you are, it’s simply what you deal with
Bipolar II disorder with BPD traits, this is only a label from the DSM V – The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5th revision). Knowing the diagnosis does not make me feel any better, and it should never make you feel less adequate compared to your peers. Just like physical illnesses like Hypertension and Diabetes, this illness also affect those who suffer from it. Mood swings, irritability, major depression are just some of the things people with Bipolar II deal with. that’s all.
Actively being aware of where your emotions are going to is the first step to begin coping with this disorder. Then, choose your reaction to the feeling, i.e. anger, sadness, irritability, hyper and anything else along those lines. Know that you can be in control of your own feelings and emotions for it came from within, didn’t it?
Google + and Community that I own
I am currently connected on Google + under the name Messy Me. I am also the owner of Bipolar II Disorder Support and Sharing Group. Those who are interested are welcomed to join and I hope that you will feel much better knowing there are millions in the world who face similar difficulties as you.