Category Archives: Doctor’s Appointments

Pdoc’s appointment: being disappointed

Today was a disappointing day. I planned what I was going to ask/tell my doctor way in advanced before my appointment today. I want to stop my medications, for several reasons:

Firstly, I feel my condition is due to a situation, namely my poor relationship skills, rather than biological.

Secondly, I feel I now have the capability to deal with my issues with help of therapy.

Thirdly, the medications are incredibly costly.

As my doctor said he would eventually stop my medications when we talked last session, I thought very positively that he would say yes this time around, as I asked him if I could stop now.

He refused and said that now is not the time. I probed furthur and asked if he could cut down one of the meds, either Seroquel or Lamictal, he still said no. He would do it, but not until at least end of the year or early 2015. I told him I wanted to test whether I could deal with issues on my own without the medication, he said he would prefer I face crisis or difficult times while on medication so that even though I react strongly, it would not be as strong.

He also talked to mum and explained to her about it. I am just quite disappointed with the outcome that I still got to take the medications till the end of the year at least. That’s freaking 7 months more.

Sometimes I think he just wants to keep me as long as I can so that he can profit from me. But he also said that he doesnt get paid from the medications at all.

As I negotiated furthur, he said it is a situation that is non-negotiable. If he were stricter with his patients, he said he wouldn’t explain at all. It would be a strict no no. It’s not his regulation, it’s the international protocol.

Sigh once again. But I will be a compliant patient, I will take my medications. Meanwhile, I will work on my interpersonal relationships.

Visit to the Pdoc

this day is the day where I am supposed to see my Dr again.

During this appointment, I had many things to tell him.  About my crazy hyper cool yeah mode at work which just happened out of the sudden… and also the days where I don’t feel like doing anything.

As usual, he offered possible explanations to my complaints. Making as if things are normal. As in it’s normal to feel restless, not wanting to work on some days, while passionate to do what I do on other days.

I questioned his diagnosis this time, asking him if he was sure it wasn’t a pure depression.  I forgot his response, as I was just out-of-it at that time.  I often get distracted in sessions.  Just like my counselling sessions before.

Frankly speaking, i wanted myself to be able to stop medications and all those sessions a.s.a.p. !! It makes me feel dependent on medications.  But i just knew I would be desperately wanting to go back on meds when I start to face problems particularly emotional problems or make-believed problems.

I seem to always want to understand everything I deal with on a daily basis.  It’s like something I NEED TO ACHIEVE.  unsure why.

When I told Dr I called a helpline for some comfort during my sadness, he said that he doubt how they would be able to help.  As I contacted a clinical psych to ask for charges, it turn out to be 300 over bucks for a one-hour session.  Even though I should be able to claim the money, at this point of time, I do not see a need for that yet.

What was even more depressing and making me suspect his motives is that he said it could take months and months for me to get to the level of “normal” that I want. He asked me what I expected from him,  I don’t know.. Now I think of it, I would probably say Miracle.

I got to learn to be patient, he says.  I don’t want to!  I just need to get back on track ASAP and do what I love, at my very best!

I also asked him if my history of depression and this thing now would affect my future employment. He believes not as seeking medical help is a private matter, NO ONE needs to know.  I agree to this too!  I CHOOSE WHO and WHEN to tell.  No one else can tell me otherwise.

What I forgot to tell him was that the medications seriously affect my concentration. I could not focus on driving nor playing the piano.  I have a piano exam soon in March.  I got to focus which I hardly can with the meds playing around with my brain.

FInally, I got my prescription for Seroquel and Lamictal at the same doses again. This time, surprisingly, he charged higher fee of 120 bucks compared to its usual 90 bucks consultation. it was 45-50 minutes long. Not sure why he charges at a higher rate, didn’t bother to ask at that time either.

Tada, that’s all

Messy Me

Something right or something wrong? Getting messier…

Sorta had an idea of writing a post 

that is more close to 



they’re a little more than 

anyone can think of




I don’t know

I really don’t


at the perhaps so-called 

peak of life

at a point where everyone expects

some form of 





yadda, yadda, yadda

you name it.


On the other side apart from academics 

we presume / assume 









and many more of 


fall in the place.


Or at the very least

thought so



in the very essence

of life

I can safely say

many wanted

a sense of 





Wealth and 

the Temporary “happiness”


they will be satisfied.



In my current course of life

waves of stories 

like knitting a sweater

for winter 

I’d say


these stories

are constantly changing


The plot

has never been



It has come to a point 

there’s just 



it’s like a hole

a black hole 

just like the ones

in the outer space



Daily motions

this is also another thing

I go through it

the daily motions



along the way

as I repeat these routines


p.a.r.t. t.i.m.e. j.o.b




I doubt I existed



At this moment

I’m lost

clueless of

whether or not

there’s something wrong 

in myself


Most times,

I feel fine






you name any positive description 

of a girl similar to my age

I feel that


And here comes

the hurricane

that hits

no matter

rain or sunshine




is another of Pdoc’s appointment

As I try my very best to find out

if anything is going on

or whateva is going on


I sincerely hope

whatever choice I make

will be the right one. 


Drowsily and tiredly

Signing off

Being strong: Accepting what is, not thinking about what should be

These days aren’t great days for me… Having to have dealt with an episode of depression towards the end of year 2012, I wanted things / situations to be different and my life to Change. 

Since I terminated treatment against medical advice (AMA), I hated Psychiatry and basically all psychiatrists in a sense.  I became an obsessive avid reader of Psychiatry and Psychology, trying to figure out what were the mental disorders all about.

Beginning 2013, I started college and things are getting better, I was in fact Happy!  It just felt that my life is getting amazing, it’s going to be an interesting and amazingly awesome year!!   🙂

In March, I started to spiral downhill, sadnessfrustrationanger slowly seep into my soul.

I worked with my counselor in college since then on issues that bothered me a lot and impaired my ability to function during lectures

Life, for me at this very moment, is tormenting, sad and just full of frustration.  I wish words could explain how I feel.

Throughout this year, I spent tremendous amount of time, thinking and thinking about problems that might occur soon, such as relapse of my depression, panic attack and anxieties episode from 2012.. I spent much time in counseling, struggling in my studies, concentration.. Horrible stuff. The messiness in my mind that I could no longer try to describe.

STIGMA, used to be the main issue why I do not share my feelings, my struggles with other people, even my family.  But now, they know about my condition, and I find solace, I find comfort in God’s mercy and grace, giving me strength every step of my path.

Just yesterday, I went for my Pdoc’s appointment for an official assessment.  I was hoping, someone, something could help me drag myself out of my bed.  Sadly, there was no clear indication of what I was suffering with yet. However, Dr told me some possibilities.  It may be Depression, Bipolar II or Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

Even though I’ve read through a few chapters of the DSM IV-TR, I am not so sure what was BPD.  I decided not to read too much about mental illnesses/disorders already as I’m not feeling very well..  It makes me analyse even more and anxious. 

The Bipolar II, I wasn’t sure why was it being even considered possible for me.  Maybe it’s because I kept feeling the need to spend money, going for shopping, and just eat a lot of food.  Being an aspiring psychologist in the future, I want to enter degree in Psychology desperately and I want to be able to function again, possibly better.  Right now, I don’t feel okay, but I am holding on to Hope, trying to be Positive, constantly reminding myself that I CAN, and that there are people out there who are dealing with things worse than mine.

My psychiatrist then prescribed me:

1) Xanax (Alprazolam) 0.25mg

2) Lamictal dispersible (Lamotrigine) 25mg

3) Seroquel (Quetiapine) 25mg

4) Seroquel (Quetiapine) 200mg

I’ve asked him if I really needed them, he said for now, YES.  my god… I really don’t feel I can go for my final exams starting next week.  My mood swings, I feel depressed.  I don’t know if anyone wants to be around me anymore. 

On the outside I still continue faking as if I’m alright, I am happy, but deep down I’m not.

I’ve taken Lamictal and Seroquel 50mg yesterday night after dinner.  I did felt dizzy when I stood up that night, going towards the kitchen to grab a glass of water.

This morning when I woke up, I decided that I want to be POSITIVE, I want to start thinking positive.  I will just tell myself that nothing is wrong with me as there is no actual diagnosis yet. 

I will ACCEPT my current down, depressed, unstable emotions and mood situation, I will be strong and battle this thing. Because no one can help me unless I help myself.   

Acceptance is what I need to deal with my life problems and I think all of us need this element too!  A lecturer once told me that research have shown that it’s human nature to be pessimistic, so we all Learn to be Optimistic!

That’s all for now.  I hope anyone of you struggling with life out there hold on to hope like me, be patient and surrender all your worries to God.

Pdoc’s Appointment

Today was a BRAVE day for me..

Went for a session of family counseling today.  Really, I prayed a simple prayer before I go… Because this was really the first time I allowed a counselor to understand and try to intervene my family stuff.

We just chat, me, mum, dad.  I wouldn’t say it’s entirely pleasant session, I still felt I was reluctant to participate.  Was okay overall and progress to make progress is in progress.

After that, I was just ‘jumping’ between decisions whether or not to see the Pdoc I’ve arranged appointment with. I’d just call him Dr / Pdoc (slang for psychiatrist) here. Finally I made my decision to just go anyway.  Consultation fee was supposedly RM 180, but today Pdoc didn’t have much time left for me as he’s rushing to another clinic and I was his last patient.  Well, so the session was FREE of charge but I still got to talk to him about my problems for about 20 minutes.  🙂

Going to another Pdoc after the horrible terrible previous one was indeed something that I mustered a lot of courage to try.

Didn’t get an actual diagnosis today about what was it that I am facing as Dr did not get enough information to do so.  I did, however get a prescription for 4 tablets of Xanax (Alprazolam), a medication of class Benzodiazepine at 0.25mg dosage to be taken as needed before I see him again.  Seeing him again next week.

I thought at this point, it would be great to give out some information about the medication Xanax (Alprazolam).  This information on the drug is based on a web application and should not be taken as medical advice or as a substitute for judgment and expertise of health care professionals.

Brand Name: Xanax

Generic Name: Alprazolam

Class: Benzodiazepine

Indications: Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD), panic disorder

Dosage: 0.25 mg, 0.5 mg, 1 mg, 2 mg

Half Life: 12-15 hours

Side effects: drowsiness, dizziness, headache, nausea, weakness, sexual problems, liver problems, confusion. 

Overall, today was great!  Look forward to a better day tomorrow.

Ups and downs

Final exams are so near.. I can’t believe that instead of writing on my personal journal, I’m writing this on my public blog. :S

I don’t like who I am now been struggling, and struggling, and struggling……  Life sucks. One day I’m fine and one day I’m not.  It’s not under my control, and because of that I isolate myself from other people, when in social interactions I pretend as if I’m happy, cheerful but after the chat with the people, I am back to my 😦 face again.

It seemed like it will never end, it seemed like I’m gonna need to deal with these emotions, thoughts, feelings, internal voices all my life. Why?

Thinking of the business cycle.. Peak, Downturn, Recession and Recovery.. My emotions are simply like that, minus off the peak and recovery.

I’m grateful however, that I’m going through life better compared to the dysfunctional me last year. But I can’t lift these negative emotions. I hate to get psychiatric help. But at the same time, I can’t do it alone, it’s too difficult, it’s too tough for me.

I can’t be strong.  I don’t know why but I just can’t..

I need help. I don’t want to live like this all my life.

I want some positive change.

I want to feel better, function better.

Having family session with counselor and seeing Pdoc tmr, hopefully assessment will help me and something can be done..

I’m still doing some studies for exams but constantly feeling sad, depressed, apathetic…. etc..

I hate it, it’s horrible and I want it to stop.  I’m already not taking care of hygiene (I try to) and is spiraling down in life.

Where is hope? Where is the future? Where am I?

Sadly signing off..


Doctor’s visit: hopefully will get better

Today I got the doctors’ contacts from the college counseling referral and decided that I should be going for an assessment for my mental health condition.  I might need to take medications if I can’t cope.  Been struggling throughout the year after the depressive episode in 2012.

After breaking news to my parents, I felt relieved as if I don’t need any help anymore. But at the same time, sadness persist.  Thoughts, feelings, internal voices disturbed.  I am no longer sure of what or who I am anymore.  I am just pretty messed up.. sometimes.

Looking forward to the appointment.. Hopefully can get a place from one of the psychiatrists.  I hope things will be fine, I hope I will improve and feel better, think better and be able to prepare for my finals.

I want a change in me, I am tired of the current me, so exhausting…. so depressed.

Today is also the last day of official college classes. I don’t have much time before finals start. I got to make sure I am up for it.

Wish me luck.