Effect of Seroquel (quetiapine) on my daily life

Life has been great after I started taking Seroquel and Lamictal since Oct 2013.  That time, I went to a psychiatrist because I was feeling very suicidal, hopeless and depressed as I was unable to function at college.

Then, my Pdoc says I have Bipolar II Disorder.  Somehow, I feel that I kinda like the idea that a drug / medicine will be able to remove all my worries, anxieties, hopelessness, fear… basically things that I am struggling with daily.

Seroquel (S) / Lamictal (L), I don’t know which had more of an effect on my currently almost worry free days.  I take S 200mg, 1 tablet and L 25mg (used to be 50mg), 1 tablet, both after food. When I just started, I was taking in random hours, not consistent at all!

There will be days I take at 11pm, some at 8pm or 10:30pm… Due to the super drowsiness caused by S, but not by L, I sometimes purposely take L first at 9pm, then stay up late to surf the net, watch movies, stuff like that so that I won’t be sleepy which will happen if I take S at the same time too.

But now, there’s a huge problem. Thanks to the super annoying drowsiness & fatigue by the AstraZeneca made S, I hit a car once when I was driving to work, pretty much dozing off every other minute. Other times, I find it very very difficult to concentrate on everything I do, simply because I am so so SLEEPY!

There are many types of scenarios which may happen in no particular order or pattern:

1. I take S at around 9-10pm, I feel so so sleepy then I can’t stand properly, and was knocked off to sleep within 30-45 minutes time.
2. I take S at around 11-11:30pm, I can stay up till 1am and still don’t feel tired.
3. I take S, I sleep, I was woken up by mum, I got out of bed, I feel extremely tired and I went back to sleep.  Then mum disturbed my sleep within 5-10 mins again, I got out of bed, I still feel like sleeping and I went back to sleep. This process repeats for 3-4 times until I was really running late for work, then I forced myself to get up and get dressed, wash my face etc… The problem is, even though I tell myself the night before that if I ever feel like going back to sleep again after being woken up by mum, I would remind myself of the consequence of doing so, which is being late for work. I thought that would make me able to stay awake and get prepared to depart. Turns out, it’s as if my brain don’t process any of that information when I try to tell it. It’s as if the most important thing at that time was to go back to sleep.
4. I take S, I sleep. I wake up the next morning feeling tired, then I go to work, I feel like sleeping. After 2 hours or so, I am able to work for a bit.  Then after lunch, I feel like a zombie again.

The huge problem now is that I feel so tired throughout the day (most of the days), and yet I have a 30 minute programme for my piano diploma exam which is just around the corner.

My teacher has been commenting about my lack of focus for the whole of last year.  It has been ages and it is super annoying for me.  I hid the fact I was seeing a psychiatrist and taking medications. But for some reason, she asked me one fine afternoon whether I was taking any medications at the moment.

I wanted to lie to her because she had just been plain annoying. But unsure why, I told her the truth that I was taking medications. She asked what they were for. I just said one word “Mood”, hoping she would fucking mind her own business and shut up!

She even asked me to ask my Dr if he could write a letter for me saying that I am taking medications that affect my focus / attention / concentration (whatever) which affects my piano performance. She wants me to give that to my examiner.

She even quoted one of her students’ experience in a similar case, which ended in a way where she passed even though she had several slips in her performance (which is not allowed in Diploma level) because of the letter.

In addition to that, she wanted me to ask my Dr whether I could stop my medications 1 month before my exam in March/April.

Obviously I didn’t want the fucking letter.  Yes, I took 3 years to practise and prepare for this Diploma, due to me stopping piano lessons for more than ½ a year because of my depression.  But hell no I want that damn letter to help me pass. To me, it’s some sort of a disability shit, where it’s like telling the examiner, “I have a problem with concentration here, you better pass me.”  WTF!! I never would want the letter, I want my hardwork to be paid off and I don’t want the Diploma cert which is given because of the “concentration problem”.

Plus, Seroquel was giving me problem free days, for once I feel good, for once I am not thinking about past sad events so often anymore, for once I feel I have a future ahead of me. Personally, I think if any changes should be made, I think the dosage may be reduced.

Anyway, I emailed my Dr about what my teacher suggested, even though I didn’t want to include the letter, but somehow I decided to write that part in as well. It took me 1 hour to think and rethink about whether or not my email was written properly before I sent it this morning.

Sometimes, I hope he would give me some Ritalin to make me more alert. I used to take them when I was depressed 2 years back. Fuck, I always want to get off the meds a.s.a.p. when I am taking them, but when I stop them already, I find ways to become psychologically sick so that I can go back to a Dr to get those drugs…

I don’t know why, but I feel I am just thinking differently at different times. Super positive about my future at times and sometimes playing a victim role, pitying myself and so on.

Being strong: Accepting what is, not thinking about what should be

These days aren’t great days for me… Having to have dealt with an episode of depression towards the end of year 2012, I wanted things / situations to be different and my life to Change. 

Since I terminated treatment against medical advice (AMA), I hated Psychiatry and basically all psychiatrists in a sense.  I became an obsessive avid reader of Psychiatry and Psychology, trying to figure out what were the mental disorders all about.

Beginning 2013, I started college and things are getting better, I was in fact Happy!  It just felt that my life is getting amazing, it’s going to be an interesting and amazingly awesome year!!   🙂

In March, I started to spiral downhill, sadness, frustration, anger slowly seep into my soul.

I worked with my counselor in college since then on issues that bothered me a lot and impaired my ability to function during lectures. 

Life, for me at this very moment, is tormenting, sad and just full of frustration.  I wish words could explain how I feel.

Throughout this year, I spent tremendous amount of time, thinking and thinking about problems that might occur soon, such as relapse of my depression, panic attack and anxieties episode from 2012.. I spent much time in counseling, struggling in my studies, concentration.. Horrible stuff. The messiness in my mind that I could no longer try to describe.

STIGMA, used to be the main issue why I do not share my feelings, my struggles with other people, even my family.  But now, they know about my condition, and I find solace, I find comfort in God’s mercy and grace, giving me strength every step of my path.

Just yesterday, I went for my Pdoc’s appointment for an official assessment.  I was hoping, someone, something could help me drag myself out of my bed.  Sadly, there was no clear indication of what I was suffering with yet. However, Dr told me some possibilities.  It may be Depression, Bipolar II or Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

Even though I’ve read through a few chapters of the DSM IV-TR, I am not so sure what was BPD.  I decided not to read too much about mental illnesses/disorders already as I’m not feeling very well..  It makes me analyse even more and anxious. 

The Bipolar II, I wasn’t sure why was it being even considered possible for me.  Maybe it’s because I kept feeling the need to spend money, going for shopping, and just eat a lot of food.  Being an aspiring psychologist in the future, I want to enter degree in Psychology desperately and I want to be able to function again, possibly better.  Right now, I don’t feel okay, but I am holding on to Hope, trying to be Positive, constantly reminding myself that I CAN, and that there are people out there who are dealing with things worse than mine.

My psychiatrist then prescribed me:

1) Xanax (Alprazolam) 0.25mg

2) Lamictal dispersible (Lamotrigine) 25mg

3) Seroquel (Quetiapine) 25mg

4) Seroquel (Quetiapine) 200mg

I’ve asked him if I really needed them, he said for now, YES.  my god… I really don’t feel I can go for my final exams starting next week.  My mood swings, I feel depressed.  I don’t know if anyone wants to be around me anymore. 

On the outside I still continue faking as if I’m alright, I am happy, but deep down I’m not.

I’ve taken Lamictal and Seroquel 50mg yesterday night after dinner.  I did felt dizzy when I stood up that night, going towards the kitchen to grab a glass of water.

This morning when I woke up, I decided that I want to be POSITIVE, I want to start thinking positive.  I will just tell myself that nothing is wrong with me as there is no actual diagnosis yet. 

I will ACCEPT my current down, depressed, unstable emotions and mood situation, I will be strong and battle this thing. Because no one can help me unless I help myself.   

Acceptance is what I need to deal with my life problems and I think all of us need this element too!  A lecturer once told me that research have shown that it’s human nature to be pessimistic, so we all Learn to be Optimistic!

That’s all for now.  I hope anyone of you struggling with life out there hold on to hope like me, be patient and surrender all your worries to God.