Tag Archives: sadness

Wrecked: Emotionally destroyed

Many times, I can’t prevent depressive feelings from rushing into me, into my soul, deep within it stirs. Tonight is one of those nights… Just hours ago, I was just elated for Im starting my university life officially tomorrow. I can’t wait~!! But never did I knew, after a few hours of Movie Marathon straight, it’s as if my mind was playing tricks on me.

It was as if my mind was playing TRICKS on ME!!!

It’s so UNFAIR, my soul shouted and wailed from inside of me..
I feel so down all of the sudden, I feel things are going dejavu / repeating again!!
I think of cutting myself again, I haven’t thought of doing it or done it in many many months, but now the feelings rushed back into me, deeply I feel hurt.

I am afraid, always overwhelmed in fear during these moments, not in those happy moments of mine where it seems like the new world is so so overwhelmingly POSITIVE, Nothing could break my will to be strong and to hang on and to see a positive silver lining at every adversity, every trouble.

But WHY??? Why does that seem impossible when these FAMILIAR, astonishingly FAMILIAR feelings come back?
They are intruding my every being as of now, just like it did before, mostly in the same depth… YET there is nothing I could do to stop the feeling from destroying my inner soul by the minute.

As much as I try to tell myself, “It’s okay, it’s gonna be alright, soon, it will be”, I STRUGGLE during that whole duration…. I feel hopeless, beyond help, and at the same time wishing I was no longer here, to end it all.

It seemed that the sadness wasn’t the type where it is at the CRAZILY sad till the CORE, BUT Because it has been SO SO consistent, and at the same severity, same type of gush of the emotions invading me, MY SOUL, MY HEART no longer can stand it anymore.

It’s been a really happy time where I have been living my few weeks literally anticipating the bright future I may have in UNI, the great experience etc etc..

BUT NOW IT SEEM TO BE ALL GONE>>>>>> NO one knows if I will get any better, because simply they don’t know I am having a problem. BUT I AM SO SO DEPRESSED AND FEELING SO HOPELESS to the point where I can’t even read a single paragraph of the book I bought by Anthony Robbins : Awaken the Giant within.

I am totally messed up!! How am I gonna help others with mental / emotional issues when I am unable to solve my own as well???? Someone SAVE me


Grief: In the Memory of my Beloved Grandmother

It’s been two days since my beloved grandmother’s demise.  My days and nights have been difficult.

Thinking about many memorable moments I had with her.  She left my family and I at age 96.  While I would long for her to stay with us for another three or four more years, I know deep in my heart that is not possible.  When she left us on 20th November 2013, Wednesday at 3:33am, we were all by her side.  I was overwhelmed.  She was a strong woman, China woman, known to be very strong and determined.  As I try to adjust to her absence slowly and accept that he has indeed left us, I hope she know that I love her, always, and forever with all my heart.

Out of pure love, I wrote a note on Facebook, in memory of her.  This is to let other relatives and friends who got to know this wonderful woman to know how her last days were like.  I hope she can rest in peace and I pray for her soul fervently every day after her demise.

As days pass by, I hope the pain will gradually lose its power and grip over me.  I’m sure it’s not just me who is grieving, I am certain many who love grandma from the bottom of their hearts feel sad for her passing.

Cause of death was Cerebrovascular Accident (CVA) or Stroke.  I was glad to know from my Pdoc today that it’s better for her to go than to wake up from the coma shock from her frail condition.

Rest in Peace grandma.

Penning down in grief…