Category Archives: Among the usual days

Pdoc’s appointment: being disappointed

Today was a disappointing day. I planned what I was going to ask/tell my doctor way in advanced before my appointment today. I want to stop my medications, for several reasons:

Firstly, I feel my condition is due to a situation, namely my poor relationship skills, rather than biological.

Secondly, I feel I now have the capability to deal with my issues with help of therapy.

Thirdly, the medications are incredibly costly.

As my doctor said he would eventually stop my medications when we talked last session, I thought very positively that he would say yes this time around, as I asked him if I could stop now.

He refused and said that now is not the time. I probed furthur and asked if he could cut down one of the meds, either Seroquel or Lamictal, he still said no. He would do it, but not until at least end of the year or early 2015. I told him I wanted to test whether I could deal with issues on my own without the medication, he said he would prefer I face crisis or difficult times while on medication so that even though I react strongly, it would not be as strong.

He also talked to mum and explained to her about it. I am just quite disappointed with the outcome that I still got to take the medications till the end of the year at least. That’s freaking 7 months more.

Sometimes I think he just wants to keep me as long as I can so that he can profit from me. But he also said that he doesnt get paid from the medications at all.

As I negotiated furthur, he said it is a situation that is non-negotiable. If he were stricter with his patients, he said he wouldn’t explain at all. It would be a strict no no. It’s not his regulation, it’s the international protocol.

Sigh once again. But I will be a compliant patient, I will take my medications. Meanwhile, I will work on my interpersonal relationships.

my plain and simple blog design

egg resilience

What’s with my blog design??

Some may wonder..

I don’t know if you do,

But I always did.

My blog design is simply just plain

One colour, how boring..

Well, in my other public blog which I blog under my real name

It’s colourful, joyful and just full of live!!

I often wonder,

Am I just lazy to experiment some design?

Or is this how my blog should be like?

Then I thought,

The only reason for my plain, boring, one-colour-only blog

Is simply because I just want to

pour all the

struggles . disappointment .  hardship . sucks to the core stuff in here.

It’s a reflection of the difficult and the less difficult days of my life.

And not to forget,

This blog has no intention to attract many visitors

It’s just written to vent, rant amongst all aims

Whoever who happen to drop by,

Thank you .. and I hope you find some encouragement here

If you are facing (I wouldn’t say suffering) something similar to mine

And if you are not,

I hope you are at least aware that there are many people in this world

who are having emotional and / or mental problems

and know that they are not insane, out of their minds or violent in any way

They are not facing what they are facing due to a spiritual impairment or sin

or is it a result of karma.

Probably,

We have different beliefs, spiritual beliefs,

But it doesn’t matter

As I recalled I used to be thinking over and over (called ruminating)

About the illness / condition I have

May it be my depression 2 years back

Or my bipolar currently

But now, as my mood is more stable

I realize (a deep realization) that

Fuck it!  It doesn’t matter!

For it’s not our obligation to tell other people..

Our coworkers / colleagues, employers, friends, relatives, or family members

About our condition.. our mental illness, our label(s)

It is not a must

If you or I do not feel comfortable doing that

then don’t.

It’s your problem / illness / difficulty / condition

It does not require someone else to know it,

For what they can do (if they can empathise)

is just to support.

Dear all

don’t forget

We all have something amazing called RESILIENCE

resilience pink flower

As long we have a strong resiliency

and backed up by determinationresilience wordwe can overcome any adversity

It is being strong

Telling yourself ..

It’s okay if you messed up,

It’s okay if you are feeling depressed now,

for many hours, and unable to get out from that state.

It’s okay if you fail a subject at university

It’s okay if you feel suicidal at this point

It’s okay if you have been abused / raped / bullied  (well it’s not okay)

But whatever it is

If you don’t let it go and move on,

wouldn’t you be stuck in the past, sucked into it, really deep, like a black hole.

It may take time to heal from hurts, it’s okay, you must tell yourself

for in this journey of life,

it’s like a cycle

we are bound to have difficulties along the way

struggles and conflicts (may it be internal or external)

and we will bounce back from adversities,

as long we envision ourselves to get better, have a more balanced life

whatever the wish of yours may be.

Daily

remind yourself of what you truly want in your life

I believe many want happiness,

or simplicity

or wealth…

Sometimes, life can be super mean to some of us

Once, I even thought of doing drugs because I was just so depressed,

and nothing, literally nothing can pull me out from it

of course at that time I was being secretive about my condition

But know that psychedelic drugs can only give you what they call

“temporary pleasures”

the happiness that come from it does not last long

it will be very quick before you notice, you’re hooked

it’s similar to being chased by loan sharks,

it becomes a life of never-ending cycle

of getting high, crashed, needing drugs,

then you’ll do anything to get the money to buy them

Undeniably, many crazy thoughts run through my mind everyday

some may be something like

(warning)

How will I feel when I just run to the middle of the highway?

How does being crushed (literally) feel like? Does it help me escape the reality?

Does it help me finally escape difficulties?

Well, the above is just one of the examples

Just to sum it all,

The only way to cope with symptoms of mental illness(es)

and work towards recovery istrust strength focus

FIRST: Don’t go and care about the ‘BS’ DSM label (they don’t matter)

you know what you’re facing / going through

SECOND: Tell yourself to keep hanging on HoPE!!

you have hope as long as you live on!

THIRD: Give thanks for everyday you live and try to live a balanced Life.

that includes:

  • social life
  • family life
  • interests / hobbies
  • work / academics and
  • exercise, have a balanced & nutritious diet

I was told the last one (balanced life) by a counselor that I saw a few weeks back.

At that moment, I realize that that didn’t even cross my mind

for I was just “enjoying” and “cramming” my time with Work, Work and Work

voluntary work, academics, internship, many extra classes (music, make up, movies) and part time job

I forgot that I needed exercise, social interaction and to be close with my family.

Everything I did was on my own

and that’s it!

I fear interaction because I suspect that other people have ulterior motives

they will hurt me and harm me (physically / emotionally)

these are just a small part of what I deal with

I do hope this piece is helpful to you and speaks some truth of what people with mental illness face.

 dancing in the rain

Till the next time

See ya

Messy Me

Coping with Bipolar II Disorder

Visit to the Doctor

Recently, during my visit to my Pdoc, I received my diagnosis of Bipolar II Disorder with some BPD tendencies. I didn’t want to accept it simply because I always thought I only had Depression, a mental illness which is much more common in the society and had less stigma attached to it.  My days were difficult to bear as some days (like yesterday) I would be so sad and unable / do not want to do anything… Just lying in bed was what I always do during these times.  Sometimes, I know the cause of the sadness but there will still be times, I really do not know what is the trigger.

 

Self Pity

This is something I normally do when I get so emotional thinking about my crazy intense emotions flowing all over my body.   I just feel so incapable, nothing seemed possible anymore.  I get even more upset when I am unable to voice this out to anyone around me, such as friends and family.  It seems I would tell many people around me that I am dealing with this disorder, hoping someone would just Understand… No one seems to be able to relate to my experiences except a few of my friends who cope with some form of mental illness.

 

Counselling

I used to go to counselling sessions very often last year to help myself cope with my academics.   My counsellor then seems helpful at some times, yet mean during a few occasions.  I thought at some point what she did was just reflecting what I said back to me, and that did not help a single bit.

There was a short period of time where I was able to voice out some of my difficulties and things I always wanted to say to my parents through one session of family counselling.

But now, it seems everything is back to the way it was.  I am not talking to my parents and family members anymore.  I hide in my room whenever I am in my depressive mood, and just unable to lift my sadness voluntarily.  Telling myself to acknowledge, accept then let go of those negative feelings don’t relieve my negative emotions as they used to.

 

Fear

Most of the days, I am sucked into the whirlpool of Fear..  All I felt was Fear.  I was so so afraid that life would be over for me, I would not have a future, simply because the mood swings (from Bipolar) will always continue. They seemed to be going on forever.

 

Looking at it in a Positive light

Right now, as I am writing in a slightly happier mood, I try to live everyday step by step.  During the depressive state, I tell myself it’s okay.  It (the sad feelings) will soon pass.  I try to encourage myself, there will be a day where I’m able to see light at the end of the tunnel.

          Giving thanks

I tell myself to give thanks for everything that I am able to do.  Like now, I am able to hold a permanent Part-time job as well as work 6 days a week before my university degree course commences.

        It’s only a label, it’s not who you are, it’s simply what you deal with

Bipolar II disorder with BPD traits, this is only a label from the DSM V – The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5th revision).  Knowing the diagnosis does not make me feel any better, and it should never make you feel less adequate compared to your peers.  Just like physical illnesses like Hypertension and Diabetes, this illness also affect those who suffer from it.  Mood swings, irritability, major depression are just some of the things people with Bipolar II deal with.  that’s all.

Actively being aware of where your emotions are going to is the first step to begin coping with this disorder.  Then, choose your reaction to the feeling, i.e. anger, sadness, irritability, hyper and anything else along those lines. Know that you can be in control of your own feelings and emotions for it came from within, didn’t it?

 

Google + and Community that I own

I am currently connected on Google + under the name Messy Me.  I am also the owner of Bipolar II Disorder Support and Sharing Group. Those who are interested are welcomed to join and I hope that you will feel much better knowing there are millions in the world who face similar difficulties as you.

Messy Me

Car Accident

A sleepy morning…

Today was like any other Wednesday, where I head towards my office to work…  But I woke up late as usual and had to rush to work.  The jam on the road always starts at 7:30 am, and I only left my home at 8:10 am…

This morning I had a very difficult time waking up, due to 2 main reasons

  1. Seroquel 200 mg doing its trick — side effect, being extreme drowsiness.   Actually the drowsiness effect diminished as I have taken it for 3 months approx.
  2. I slept really late, with my iPad beside me.. How dangerous isn’t it?

I closed my eyes.

During my drive to work, I had my mum sitting beside me in the passenger seat because I am driving her car.  I was incredibly tired… I closed my eyes several times during the office hour jam.

the Accident

I freaked out.. as I heard a sudden bang.. As I gain consciousness, I realised I knocked onto the vehicle in front of me, it was an Avanza.  I didn’t know what to do.  All I know was I’ve just dozed off and released the brake.

I asked my mum “What to do? Oh my God!!”  She told me to just drive straight, I didn’t understand what she meant by that as I have just knocked onto a big car (MPV).  I was a small tiny Suzuki Alto…

Then, it was not long before the driver of the car in front came down to have a look at her car.  I was afraid because I was still on probationary driving license. If she decides to report me, then I may get demerit(s).

Luckily and Thank God that her MPV did not have any dents / scratches.  It was just a minor hit.  My mum went down and apologise on my behalf.

Seroquel

I don’t know what’s wrong with Seroquel’s action.. Why does it make people so tired and drowsy??? There was once where I almost faint in my room because I couldn’t walk straight.. I had difficulty opening my eyes. lol.. haha

It’s time to drop all that

Well, now that I have reached my office safely, with mum’s assistance (Btw, I didn’t tell her the drowsiness and fatigue were side effects of the medication).  I guess I need to drop all that had happened and focus on my work

Ciao~

Venting out some struggles

I just came back from a short trip in Phuket, Thailand.  It was a great trip with pretty decent massages fr the Thai.

Today I decide to talk more of my feelings towards my psychiatric treatment.

My last part of my Journey in Therapy is still under construction so be patient.

It’s been 3 months of my visits to my Pdoc.  Honestly I don’t know what’s my diagnosis. Sometimes, I don’t bother knowing as I feel I know what I’m having difficulties with hence having a diagnosis doesn’t really make a difference.  But at this point, I feel the Urgent need to know what the heck I’m going through!

at first, I managed to ask my Pdoc about what are the probable diagnosis/ses. He told me it may be Depression, Bipolar II or BPD.

i thought I would get an answer fr him shortly after that particular session,but unfortunately I didn’t.

I have had 5 appointments with him so far, and already spent 1500+ on medical & consultation fees.

The worst thing is as I just told him in our last session that I was REALLY feeling better, I wanted to taper off the meds and he told me that even so I need to be on them for at least 1/2 a year to 1 year as maintainence treatment.

Sigh.. I realized these few days where I was in Phuket, I find my temper was out of my control. I get heated up easily and I tend to shout at my family.. like real loud. I felt guilty always after the shouting. I don’t know why I seem to be unable to control.

Pdoc lowered my Lamictal dosage fr 50mg to 25mg during my last visit. So I guessed it might be because of that perhaps.

Anyway, tomorrow I hope it will be a great day as I will collect my internship confirmation letter as well as go for a lunch date with a guy friend.  I like him but I am not sure if he is right for me.

Hoping that everything goes smoothly tomorrow.

messy me ~

Looking at life the SIMPLE way

Life
in its essence
is precious.

Many ponder…
on the existence
of afterlife, karma, consequences

Existentialism talks about us
as humans, being in control
it’s a non consequentialist theory

I’m a Christian
and Christians believe in God
who is the creator of living beings

Putting all theory that people made
religions and faith aside

Look at life
just as simple as it is
there’s a beginning
there’s an end

But no one knows when these times will be
It doesn’t matter really
as we should not try to control

Many fear death
I fear it too

From a Christian point of view
Wages of sin is death
So as we live day after day
we give thanks to The Lord our God

From a general viewpoint
Yes, death may be scary
There may be many things
one wish to do, accomplish and succeed in

Rather than being afraid,
Why not seize time?

Life is a time frame
it has a duration
And Time waits for no man !

So, between these two unpredictable yet fixed times
of human existence
I urge you set what you want, i.e. Goals
Live it to the fullest
hopefully let there be no regrets

It’s okay not to be perfect

Perfection

Achieving Perfectionism has always been a need for me.  In high school, writing a practice essay will be drafted again and again, many times until my standard of perfect is reached.  In college, my assignments were never, in my eyes good.  I would always see flaws in my work, just because I want everything I do to be perfect.  

Competing with classmates in academics was also a need for me.  Throughout my primary and secondary years, I was always in Top classes.  There, I feel the absolute need to succeed, I just want everything in my life to look good, appear fantastic so that other people will look up to me, just like how students look up to scholars.  My circle of friends were amazing smartypants.  I was smart too. But just wasn’t up to their par.  Everything they are were great.  I had a friend who lost her father in a car accident.  As I look at her during those school days, she was strong, I thought. This made me feel I was weak, as I get sad easily.  I feel inferior, I feel lonely as I never seem to say the right things, mix with my peers and have a happy life.

It has been years I search for happiness in my life.  I was never happy.  I remembered I was so sad about my life due to lack of friends, constantly being bullied because I was very small size – being prematured – during primary school.  At that time, I told God (whichever God it is, I wasn’t religious at that time and didn’t have a proper belief about God):

“Please, you can take me away now.  I am ready to die, I am done with life.”

Literally, I was in a school holiday trip at that time, I was supposed to have fun…. but that was what I wish for.

God didn’t take me away as I wished.  I lived through those years, those bitter years.  I guess how I cope back then in primary was telling myself it’s okay to not have friends.  I used to have this best friend, I will call her here. Once, I betrayed Z in a way where I told another mutual friend of ours, M, that likes the same boy she likes.  I thought I was doing them a favour.  Childlike thinking was that if they know that each other likes the same boy, they can discuss this boy together.  I thought I did a good deed, but hated me for leaking the secret.  We fought and finally we cut our friendship ties.

Now, being a young adult,  I had difficult and painful experiences in the past.  I’d lost friends, being suicidal, grieving over loss of a pet, depressed, falling short of my high expectations over and over…. Many things I had experienced, was painful.   Happy memories were few.  But I guessed I have to thank these experiences too.  Through them, I learned that Life is full of ups and downs. And among these peaks and troughs of life, there is few we can control, needless to talk about perfection.  


Through hardships I learned


it’s okay to let other win, 

it’s okay if you’re less than perfect, 

fall short of the cohort, 

it’s okay if you don’t match up to others’ standards… 


Because it’s important to know that you, me, all of us are unique.  Perfection is just an idealistic mindset, subjected to personal opinions, point of views and perspectives.  When things and situations don’t go your way, take it as simply unexpected hence less dull, or maybe take it as a challenge!

If you can’t remember anything I’ve mentioned earlier,

Just take home this message:

There’s no perfection in life.  As humans, it’s natural to want more, desire more.. There can never be enough.  So, seize time and opportunities in life, for we never know when we may not see tomorrow. Live life to the fullest!

May peace be with you, always.