Tag Archives: mental struggles

Wrecked: Emotionally destroyed

Many times, I can’t prevent depressive feelings from rushing into me, into my soul, deep within it stirs. Tonight is one of those nights… Just hours ago, I was just elated for Im starting my university life officially tomorrow. I can’t wait~!! But never did I knew, after a few hours of Movie Marathon straight, it’s as if my mind was playing tricks on me.

It was as if my mind was playing TRICKS on ME!!!

It’s so UNFAIR, my soul shouted and wailed from inside of me..
I feel so down all of the sudden, I feel things are going dejavu / repeating again!!
I think of cutting myself again, I haven’t thought of doing it or done it in many many months, but now the feelings rushed back into me, deeply I feel hurt.

I am afraid, always overwhelmed in fear during these moments, not in those happy moments of mine where it seems like the new world is so so overwhelmingly POSITIVE, Nothing could break my will to be strong and to hang on and to see a positive silver lining at every adversity, every trouble.

But WHY??? Why does that seem impossible when these FAMILIAR, astonishingly FAMILIAR feelings come back?
They are intruding my every being as of now, just like it did before, mostly in the same depth… YET there is nothing I could do to stop the feeling from destroying my inner soul by the minute.

As much as I try to tell myself, “It’s okay, it’s gonna be alright, soon, it will be”, I STRUGGLE during that whole duration…. I feel hopeless, beyond help, and at the same time wishing I was no longer here, to end it all.

It seemed that the sadness wasn’t the type where it is at the CRAZILY sad till the CORE, BUT Because it has been SO SO consistent, and at the same severity, same type of gush of the emotions invading me, MY SOUL, MY HEART no longer can stand it anymore.

It’s been a really happy time where I have been living my few weeks literally anticipating the bright future I may have in UNI, the great experience etc etc..

BUT NOW IT SEEM TO BE ALL GONE>>>>>> NO one knows if I will get any better, because simply they don’t know I am having a problem. BUT I AM SO SO DEPRESSED AND FEELING SO HOPELESS to the point where I can’t even read a single paragraph of the book I bought by Anthony Robbins : Awaken the Giant within.

I am totally messed up!! How am I gonna help others with mental / emotional issues when I am unable to solve my own as well???? Someone SAVE me

Therapeutic Writing

Have you had a period of time where you just couldn’t get yourself to do anything? You just feel so down, uninterested in life, or the things, hobbies that you used to enjoy?  Well, I certainly have.  I feel emotions more than other people do, sometimes it is as if my world has gone on a roller coaster, emotions flying up and down, seemingly a never-ending roller coaster…

Well, during these intense emotional roller coaster(s) of mine, I find nonetheless the developed hobby of mine, writing, therapeutic.  It is an unconscious process, in which it has power and the capability to lift a little of that awful, terrible and persistent mood, allowing some streak of light to shine through the dark clouds that loom over my head.. What I would love to share here is that as I write, on a piece of paper, no matter what kind of paper, may it be..

Crumpled?



High quality A4…



Foolscap?!




or Colour papers 🙂

I find solace during the process,

despite the extremely pessimistic, depressing, disconcerting and painful content of the writing. 

 As I feel more and more present and aware, 

the bugging and disturbing roller coaster 

slowly 

lose its power over me.  

Calmness and peacefulness take over.  



WHY & HOW were the two questions I asked myself… With a calmer and more rational mind, I figured / realised the following

Why and How this works can be answered by

One Simple Reason:

It’s an Action!

Rather than doing what I always do, i.e. resting on the bed, thinking non-stop, losing control over my thoughts, letting it run Auto-Pilot by itself.  I decided to sit up and get to my working desk.  Because of this act of courage in the midst of sadness and despair, it led me to start writing.

This reminds me of CBT – Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, a technique I used to do as self help.  A little introduction on this psychological intervention.  It’s a therapy that can be done by yourself (DIY), which includes identifying irrational/negative/pessimistic/unhelpful thoughts and replacing them with more rational/positive/optimistic/helpful thoughts.  Then plan an Action/Behaviour to help yourself change your condition, i.e. any difficult situation you’re in and lastly, DO it.

Although Writing is NOT at all similar to CBT as it skipped the thought identifying-and-changing processes and jump straight to action, the idea of ACTION —  is that doing something or getting started with something, often requires more effort than THINKING.  Plus, action requires a person to consciously pay attention to the thing that he/she is doing or intending to do.  On the other hand, thinking is a process that can run fast (racing thoughts), go hay wired easily (as we focus too much in the thoughts) or go Auto-Pilot (non-stop which often causes insomnia). In my case, getting out of a self destructive thought and emotional process, required another process, a writing process, which is just about writing every single detail of what I think, feel, any desires, wants, needs, hopes, dreams, literally everything that comes to mind, no matter positive or negative.  Through the writing process, the negative emotions and thoughts are at the same time PROCESSED.. Hence, it is therapeutic, or close to it.

However, for all these to work, Intent must be there.  The intention to actually start off with something / do something will lead you to success.

One other thing that may contribute to the level of effectiveness of writing as a therapeutic tool probably is the presence of love for writing that comes with reading… For instance, an avid reader have higher chances of developing the interest, willingness and spontaneity to write, compared to a less keen reader.

I am a person who loves to write, freely that is.  So this worked for me.  My challenge for you is, Try it Out, when you feel necessary.. If it works for you, it’s FREE.

Here are some links you may be interested in:

Writing about Emotional Experiences as a Therapeutic Process by James W. Pennebaker (American Psychological Society 1997)

Being strong: Accepting what is, not thinking about what should be

These days aren’t great days for me… Having to have dealt with an episode of depression towards the end of year 2012, I wanted things / situations to be different and my life to Change. 

Since I terminated treatment against medical advice (AMA), I hated Psychiatry and basically all psychiatrists in a sense.  I became an obsessive avid reader of Psychiatry and Psychology, trying to figure out what were the mental disorders all about.

Beginning 2013, I started college and things are getting better, I was in fact Happy!  It just felt that my life is getting amazing, it’s going to be an interesting and amazingly awesome year!!   🙂

In March, I started to spiral downhill, sadnessfrustrationanger slowly seep into my soul.

I worked with my counselor in college since then on issues that bothered me a lot and impaired my ability to function during lectures

Life, for me at this very moment, is tormenting, sad and just full of frustration.  I wish words could explain how I feel.

Throughout this year, I spent tremendous amount of time, thinking and thinking about problems that might occur soon, such as relapse of my depression, panic attack and anxieties episode from 2012.. I spent much time in counseling, struggling in my studies, concentration.. Horrible stuff. The messiness in my mind that I could no longer try to describe.

STIGMA, used to be the main issue why I do not share my feelings, my struggles with other people, even my family.  But now, they know about my condition, and I find solace, I find comfort in God’s mercy and grace, giving me strength every step of my path.

Just yesterday, I went for my Pdoc’s appointment for an official assessment.  I was hoping, someone, something could help me drag myself out of my bed.  Sadly, there was no clear indication of what I was suffering with yet. However, Dr told me some possibilities.  It may be Depression, Bipolar II or Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

Even though I’ve read through a few chapters of the DSM IV-TR, I am not so sure what was BPD.  I decided not to read too much about mental illnesses/disorders already as I’m not feeling very well..  It makes me analyse even more and anxious. 

The Bipolar II, I wasn’t sure why was it being even considered possible for me.  Maybe it’s because I kept feeling the need to spend money, going for shopping, and just eat a lot of food.  Being an aspiring psychologist in the future, I want to enter degree in Psychology desperately and I want to be able to function again, possibly better.  Right now, I don’t feel okay, but I am holding on to Hope, trying to be Positive, constantly reminding myself that I CAN, and that there are people out there who are dealing with things worse than mine.

My psychiatrist then prescribed me:

1) Xanax (Alprazolam) 0.25mg

2) Lamictal dispersible (Lamotrigine) 25mg

3) Seroquel (Quetiapine) 25mg

4) Seroquel (Quetiapine) 200mg

I’ve asked him if I really needed them, he said for now, YES.  my god… I really don’t feel I can go for my final exams starting next week.  My mood swings, I feel depressed.  I don’t know if anyone wants to be around me anymore. 

On the outside I still continue faking as if I’m alright, I am happy, but deep down I’m not.

I’ve taken Lamictal and Seroquel 50mg yesterday night after dinner.  I did felt dizzy when I stood up that night, going towards the kitchen to grab a glass of water.

This morning when I woke up, I decided that I want to be POSITIVE, I want to start thinking positive.  I will just tell myself that nothing is wrong with me as there is no actual diagnosis yet. 

I will ACCEPT my current down, depressed, unstable emotions and mood situation, I will be strong and battle this thing. Because no one can help me unless I help myself.   

Acceptance is what I need to deal with my life problems and I think all of us need this element too!  A lecturer once told me that research have shown that it’s human nature to be pessimistic, so we all Learn to be Optimistic!

That’s all for now.  I hope anyone of you struggling with life out there hold on to hope like me, be patient and surrender all your worries to God.

Ups and downs

Final exams are so near.. I can’t believe that instead of writing on my personal journal, I’m writing this on my public blog. :S

I don’t like who I am now been struggling, and struggling, and struggling……  Life sucks. One day I’m fine and one day I’m not.  It’s not under my control, and because of that I isolate myself from other people, when in social interactions I pretend as if I’m happy, cheerful but after the chat with the people, I am back to my 😦 face again.

It seemed like it will never end, it seemed like I’m gonna need to deal with these emotions, thoughts, feelings, internal voices all my life. Why?

Thinking of the business cycle.. Peak, Downturn, Recession and Recovery.. My emotions are simply like that, minus off the peak and recovery.

I’m grateful however, that I’m going through life better compared to the dysfunctional me last year. But I can’t lift these negative emotions. I hate to get psychiatric help. But at the same time, I can’t do it alone, it’s too difficult, it’s too tough for me.

I can’t be strong.  I don’t know why but I just can’t..

I need help. I don’t want to live like this all my life.

I want some positive change.

I want to feel better, function better.

Having family session with counselor and seeing Pdoc tmr, hopefully assessment will help me and something can be done..

I’m still doing some studies for exams but constantly feeling sad, depressed, apathetic…. etc..

I hate it, it’s horrible and I want it to stop.  I’m already not taking care of hygiene (I try to) and is spiraling down in life.

Where is hope? Where is the future? Where am I?

Sadly signing off..

 

Doctor’s visit: hopefully will get better

Today I got the doctors’ contacts from the college counseling referral and decided that I should be going for an assessment for my mental health condition.  I might need to take medications if I can’t cope.  Been struggling throughout the year after the depressive episode in 2012.

After breaking news to my parents, I felt relieved as if I don’t need any help anymore. But at the same time, sadness persist.  Thoughts, feelings, internal voices disturbed.  I am no longer sure of what or who I am anymore.  I am just pretty messed up.. sometimes.

Looking forward to the appointment.. Hopefully can get a place from one of the psychiatrists.  I hope things will be fine, I hope I will improve and feel better, think better and be able to prepare for my finals.

I want a change in me, I am tired of the current me, so exhausting…. so depressed.

Today is also the last day of official college classes. I don’t have much time before finals start. I got to make sure I am up for it.

Wish me luck.