Monthly Archives: January 2014

my plain and simple blog design

egg resilience

What’s with my blog design??

Some may wonder..

I don’t know if you do,

But I always did.

My blog design is simply just plain

One colour, how boring..

Well, in my other public blog which I blog under my real name

It’s colourful, joyful and just full of live!!

I often wonder,

Am I just lazy to experiment some design?

Or is this how my blog should be like?

Then I thought,

The only reason for my plain, boring, one-colour-only blog

Is simply because I just want to

pour all the

struggles . disappointment .  hardship . sucks to the core stuff in here.

It’s a reflection of the difficult and the less difficult days of my life.

And not to forget,

This blog has no intention to attract many visitors

It’s just written to vent, rant amongst all aims

Whoever who happen to drop by,

Thank you .. and I hope you find some encouragement here

If you are facing (I wouldn’t say suffering) something similar to mine

And if you are not,

I hope you are at least aware that there are many people in this world

who are having emotional and / or mental problems

and know that they are not insane, out of their minds or violent in any way

They are not facing what they are facing due to a spiritual impairment or sin

or is it a result of karma.

Probably,

We have different beliefs, spiritual beliefs,

But it doesn’t matter

As I recalled I used to be thinking over and over (called ruminating)

About the illness / condition I have

May it be my depression 2 years back

Or my bipolar currently

But now, as my mood is more stable

I realize (a deep realization) that

Fuck it!  It doesn’t matter!

For it’s not our obligation to tell other people..

Our coworkers / colleagues, employers, friends, relatives, or family members

About our condition.. our mental illness, our label(s)

It is not a must

If you or I do not feel comfortable doing that

then don’t.

It’s your problem / illness / difficulty / condition

It does not require someone else to know it,

For what they can do (if they can empathise)

is just to support.

Dear all

don’t forget

We all have something amazing called RESILIENCE

resilience pink flower

As long we have a strong resiliency

and backed up by determinationresilience wordwe can overcome any adversity

It is being strong

Telling yourself ..

It’s okay if you messed up,

It’s okay if you are feeling depressed now,

for many hours, and unable to get out from that state.

It’s okay if you fail a subject at university

It’s okay if you feel suicidal at this point

It’s okay if you have been abused / raped / bullied  (well it’s not okay)

But whatever it is

If you don’t let it go and move on,

wouldn’t you be stuck in the past, sucked into it, really deep, like a black hole.

It may take time to heal from hurts, it’s okay, you must tell yourself

for in this journey of life,

it’s like a cycle

we are bound to have difficulties along the way

struggles and conflicts (may it be internal or external)

and we will bounce back from adversities,

as long we envision ourselves to get better, have a more balanced life

whatever the wish of yours may be.

Daily

remind yourself of what you truly want in your life

I believe many want happiness,

or simplicity

or wealth…

Sometimes, life can be super mean to some of us

Once, I even thought of doing drugs because I was just so depressed,

and nothing, literally nothing can pull me out from it

of course at that time I was being secretive about my condition

But know that psychedelic drugs can only give you what they call

“temporary pleasures”

the happiness that come from it does not last long

it will be very quick before you notice, you’re hooked

it’s similar to being chased by loan sharks,

it becomes a life of never-ending cycle

of getting high, crashed, needing drugs,

then you’ll do anything to get the money to buy them

Undeniably, many crazy thoughts run through my mind everyday

some may be something like

(warning)

How will I feel when I just run to the middle of the highway?

How does being crushed (literally) feel like? Does it help me escape the reality?

Does it help me finally escape difficulties?

Well, the above is just one of the examples

Just to sum it all,

The only way to cope with symptoms of mental illness(es)

and work towards recovery istrust strength focus

FIRST: Don’t go and care about the ‘BS’ DSM label (they don’t matter)

you know what you’re facing / going through

SECOND: Tell yourself to keep hanging on HoPE!!

you have hope as long as you live on!

THIRD: Give thanks for everyday you live and try to live a balanced Life.

that includes:

  • social life
  • family life
  • interests / hobbies
  • work / academics and
  • exercise, have a balanced & nutritious diet

I was told the last one (balanced life) by a counselor that I saw a few weeks back.

At that moment, I realize that that didn’t even cross my mind

for I was just “enjoying” and “cramming” my time with Work, Work and Work

voluntary work, academics, internship, many extra classes (music, make up, movies) and part time job

I forgot that I needed exercise, social interaction and to be close with my family.

Everything I did was on my own

and that’s it!

I fear interaction because I suspect that other people have ulterior motives

they will hurt me and harm me (physically / emotionally)

these are just a small part of what I deal with

I do hope this piece is helpful to you and speaks some truth of what people with mental illness face.

 dancing in the rain

Till the next time

See ya

Messy Me

Planet Shakers Awakening 2014

Yesterday night was a great night with Planet Shakers, a Christian worship band from Melbourne, Australia at DUMC Dream Centre, where dreams come alive.

           I have actually forgotten about the event that will be held at the church yesterday until checked my Facebook.  Among the difficult days, this week can be considered one of my best weeks in January as I was able to do some quality work at my office.  Although I kept having brainjam-ness where I was unable to think creatively nor extract any ideas that I may have in mind.   My work is inclusive of interviewing people and writing their stories, however, I didn’t seem to be able to even write an article ranging from 800 to 1000 words.

It was tough, really.  I spent days stuck in that same paragraph till a point I doubt my ability to finish the piece.  Devastated, I don’t know if I would be able to write as my ideas flow from my mind, just like in the previous years.

But yesterday, I held no expectations when I arrived at Dream Centre.  I just didn’t care much.  I just wanted to have fun!  I knew just like any other night rallies, Planet Shakers (PS) will start with worship where there is music, loudness and people praising God passionately.

I always had a habit of ruminating, meaning thinking of something / some situation (mostly disconcerting) over and over again.  Repeatedly, I couldn’t stop thinking of my mental condition.  I would be so conscious of my own emotions and thoughts that when they arise, my heart would have this coldness – I was afraid – of what the moment brings.  Normally, I was focus on the fear so much it prevents me from doing anything.  I would be stuck in that scary feeling, fear of the future, anxiety due to my BP2 and slowly but surely, sink into a depressive episode.  I would be so disappointed in myself, keep having my own internal voices telling me that

“I can’t do anything right”  

“There’s no use thinking about the dreams you have and want to achieve in the future.  They are just plain thoughts”

“You will never find true friends because they will harm and hurt you”

These were thoughts that bug my mind every single day!  Gone were the days where I would have this strong Asian-typical mentality that as long as I do my best, I will be able to achieve my dreams.  And that as long as I treat others well, I would have them treating me with equal kindness as well.  Time and tide has “proven” / “convinced” me that they are not true, they are all lies; I am just living in a dream-like world if I keep having the childish mentality that there are good people in this world; everyone is just selfish and will forever care for themselves alone……

During the rally, when we sang the worship songs of PS, this bridge from “Spirit Fall” struck a chord deep in my heart…

Leave me astounded

leave me amazed.

Show off your glory

let heaven invade.

We’re waiting with worship

We’re waiting with praise

for the almighty presence of God to invade.

From the beginning of the rally, I prepared myself and told God that I would surrender myself to Him.  I spoke to God and told him, “You know that I suffer from my mood swings oh God, only You and You alone can rescue me Lord”  And believe it or not, I felt so peaceful.  At that point I just felt that no matter what my days ahead may be, I know when I trust in the Lord’s almighty power, things can change, my negative emotions and thoughts will be powerless when God intervenes.

For in the NIV version, Jeremiah 29:11 says

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

            Too often, too many times, I sink into depression at least once a day, and during those times, I do not know what to do, I am lost, I fail to get myself out of the black hole.  Everything was dark, even in the happiest moments, I feel sad; even if I’m surrounded by people, I feel alone.  In these times, too, I feel God had forsaken me.  I then would start to question whether or not I had been a good child, a good daughter of my heavenly Father, I would then keep ruminating trying to find why God has left me.  Is it because I succumbed into the legitimate pleasures of the world?  Is it because I was disrespectful to my parents the other day? And the list will go endless.

            Let’s go back to the night rally now.. When it’s the time for the preacher (I have yet to find out who is he) to preach.  I would say, I was amazed, and I still am.   He talks about David, in the Bible who was always the underdog in his life.  His father did not want him but he was appointed as the King of Israel one day.  David was always tending to the flock of sheep as he was assigned to do by his father, Jesse.  David had been training for fight against anything and anyone who tried to harm his sheep.  He had killed a lion and a bear.  David was not an underdog because he was talking to his heavenly Father, spending time with Him when he was in the fields.  He was doing Target Practice.  The preacher told us that no one is an underdog because God will be by our side when we face problems.  We ought not to treat whatever bad situation we are in or any difficulties, adversities that come before us as the impossible.  We need to treat them as Target Practice, we got to believe that God will bring us through during hardships.  Aim and throw the stone with the sling just like David did.  Well, not literally but I guess you all understand what I meant.

What I fail to notice during those moments (depressive episodes) is that I will feel better after a while, and that itself may mean a few hours. 4 to 5 hours and I will come out of the depressive time where nothing will lift me up from the mood. Well, isn’t this God at work?  I remembered that although 2013 was a very tough year for me, I never fail to submit my assignments, I always managed to do it!  Although there were many times I fall into sadness, which seemed unending, God lift me up sooner or later!

God is amazing!  As I felt attached to counseling, God helped me accept that there is a time and season for everything.  And it was time for me to stop the sessions according to the form I signed and agreed to.  I know that counseling is a process intentionally created in a safe environment to help one cope / solve problems and it is intended to be temporary, not permanent, and taking only a period of one’s life.

That’s all for my sharing.   I hope you all will find this encouraging for those who are facing problems in your life and never cease trusting Jesus our Lord and Saviour.

Sincerely,

Messy Me

Coping with Bipolar II Disorder

Visit to the Doctor

Recently, during my visit to my Pdoc, I received my diagnosis of Bipolar II Disorder with some BPD tendencies. I didn’t want to accept it simply because I always thought I only had Depression, a mental illness which is much more common in the society and had less stigma attached to it.  My days were difficult to bear as some days (like yesterday) I would be so sad and unable / do not want to do anything… Just lying in bed was what I always do during these times.  Sometimes, I know the cause of the sadness but there will still be times, I really do not know what is the trigger.

 

Self Pity

This is something I normally do when I get so emotional thinking about my crazy intense emotions flowing all over my body.   I just feel so incapable, nothing seemed possible anymore.  I get even more upset when I am unable to voice this out to anyone around me, such as friends and family.  It seems I would tell many people around me that I am dealing with this disorder, hoping someone would just Understand… No one seems to be able to relate to my experiences except a few of my friends who cope with some form of mental illness.

 

Counselling

I used to go to counselling sessions very often last year to help myself cope with my academics.   My counsellor then seems helpful at some times, yet mean during a few occasions.  I thought at some point what she did was just reflecting what I said back to me, and that did not help a single bit.

There was a short period of time where I was able to voice out some of my difficulties and things I always wanted to say to my parents through one session of family counselling.

But now, it seems everything is back to the way it was.  I am not talking to my parents and family members anymore.  I hide in my room whenever I am in my depressive mood, and just unable to lift my sadness voluntarily.  Telling myself to acknowledge, accept then let go of those negative feelings don’t relieve my negative emotions as they used to.

 

Fear

Most of the days, I am sucked into the whirlpool of Fear..  All I felt was Fear.  I was so so afraid that life would be over for me, I would not have a future, simply because the mood swings (from Bipolar) will always continue. They seemed to be going on forever.

 

Looking at it in a Positive light

Right now, as I am writing in a slightly happier mood, I try to live everyday step by step.  During the depressive state, I tell myself it’s okay.  It (the sad feelings) will soon pass.  I try to encourage myself, there will be a day where I’m able to see light at the end of the tunnel.

          Giving thanks

I tell myself to give thanks for everything that I am able to do.  Like now, I am able to hold a permanent Part-time job as well as work 6 days a week before my university degree course commences.

        It’s only a label, it’s not who you are, it’s simply what you deal with

Bipolar II disorder with BPD traits, this is only a label from the DSM V – The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5th revision).  Knowing the diagnosis does not make me feel any better, and it should never make you feel less adequate compared to your peers.  Just like physical illnesses like Hypertension and Diabetes, this illness also affect those who suffer from it.  Mood swings, irritability, major depression are just some of the things people with Bipolar II deal with.  that’s all.

Actively being aware of where your emotions are going to is the first step to begin coping with this disorder.  Then, choose your reaction to the feeling, i.e. anger, sadness, irritability, hyper and anything else along those lines. Know that you can be in control of your own feelings and emotions for it came from within, didn’t it?

 

Google + and Community that I own

I am currently connected on Google + under the name Messy Me.  I am also the owner of Bipolar II Disorder Support and Sharing Group. Those who are interested are welcomed to join and I hope that you will feel much better knowing there are millions in the world who face similar difficulties as you.

Messy Me

How I wish…

Yesterday I went to see my Pdoc and overall I said I was feeling okay recently however still have some bouts where I was really really sad.  I recalled about a nightmare I had about a week ago where I dreamt I was killed / tortured / captured.. I was so afraid. Because I didn’t know what was wrong with me even after 3 months approx of treatment with Seroquel and Lamictal, I asked him what is my diagnosis.

He apparently forgot about what was it because his notes was not with him.  I reminded him that the probable ones are Depression, Bipolar II and BPD – Borderline Personality Disorder. He then said, “It should be Bipolar II with some BPD traits then”.  At that moment i just nodded.. and said “okay”

Later yesterday, around evening I suddenly recalled the session with him. I don’t feel i have bipolar. I don’t feel manic. When I feel happier, I would consider that an improvement from my depression.

I feel so alone, i can’t f***king talk to no one who can understand me.  They just say I am trying to get attention and all that sort.

Sometimes, medications make me feel better but other times I just feel so sad, so depressed as if my life is over.. My future seems bleak. I don’t even know if I can survive University.

Oh God, help me! I really do not know what else to do.

Do I really have Bipolar? Am I really sick mentally? I am still able to function most of the days..I am working in fact, 6 whole days a week. How is that mentally unwell?  Just that I get bored so easily and I forget things..i have annoying mood swings that i can’t control and depressed states which I can’t do anything to lift it up.  I am completely messed up!  What to do? I don’t want my future to be ruined by this thing! Whatever it is!

Car Accident

A sleepy morning…

Today was like any other Wednesday, where I head towards my office to work…  But I woke up late as usual and had to rush to work.  The jam on the road always starts at 7:30 am, and I only left my home at 8:10 am…

This morning I had a very difficult time waking up, due to 2 main reasons

  1. Seroquel 200 mg doing its trick — side effect, being extreme drowsiness.   Actually the drowsiness effect diminished as I have taken it for 3 months approx.
  2. I slept really late, with my iPad beside me.. How dangerous isn’t it?

I closed my eyes.

During my drive to work, I had my mum sitting beside me in the passenger seat because I am driving her car.  I was incredibly tired… I closed my eyes several times during the office hour jam.

the Accident

I freaked out.. as I heard a sudden bang.. As I gain consciousness, I realised I knocked onto the vehicle in front of me, it was an Avanza.  I didn’t know what to do.  All I know was I’ve just dozed off and released the brake.

I asked my mum “What to do? Oh my God!!”  She told me to just drive straight, I didn’t understand what she meant by that as I have just knocked onto a big car (MPV).  I was a small tiny Suzuki Alto…

Then, it was not long before the driver of the car in front came down to have a look at her car.  I was afraid because I was still on probationary driving license. If she decides to report me, then I may get demerit(s).

Luckily and Thank God that her MPV did not have any dents / scratches.  It was just a minor hit.  My mum went down and apologise on my behalf.

Seroquel

I don’t know what’s wrong with Seroquel’s action.. Why does it make people so tired and drowsy??? There was once where I almost faint in my room because I couldn’t walk straight.. I had difficulty opening my eyes. lol.. haha

It’s time to drop all that

Well, now that I have reached my office safely, with mum’s assistance (Btw, I didn’t tell her the drowsiness and fatigue were side effects of the medication).  I guess I need to drop all that had happened and focus on my work

Ciao~

imageLife is a rocky road..

mood swings are again troubling me..  Just the day before yesterday, I was Crazy happy as an intern, at a local news firm.  I was given an assignment involving research. I spent 4 hours working on it and finally got it done.  Yesterday, I had a music concert to perform in, but I was really unhappy.  Unsure what’s wrong with my moods, but seriously I don’t feel good.

the concert was a huge success, towards the end my mood brighten up.

removing the make up was tedious though.

Today. Was equally a bad day. I feel really upset, sad n disappointed in myself.

i feel I can’t breathe. I feel sick, unwell…

one minute I feel slightly okay, one minute I feel so consumed by depression… I struggle with the inner pain, it consumes my being, my soul felt crushed for the whole situation of being in the whirlpool — of constant suffering.. Mental suffering.

just a while ago, few months back. I thought things will get better and so it did.

I’m afraid.  As I go to work everyday, I fear myself breaking down again.  I seem to be constantly aware of what’s going on inside of me. The emotions, are so obvious yet so difficult to part with.

Not sure of why, I seem to desperately telling other people about my difficulties.. 

Am I trying to seek attention? I don’t know.. But what I know for certain is that these sad, flat feelings and conflicted mind, seems to be repeating over and over again.. When will they end? And if they do end, what will happen to me? Will I change into a totally different person?

it sucks to feel depressed while working, pressured to deliver Work of certain quality and standard. I’m tired, of feeling all these feelings. No one guides me to the help I need although I am already on medications