Monthly Archives: October 2013

Being strong: Accepting what is, not thinking about what should be

These days aren’t great days for me… Having to have dealt with an episode of depression towards the end of year 2012, I wanted things / situations to be different and my life to Change. 

Since I terminated treatment against medical advice (AMA), I hated Psychiatry and basically all psychiatrists in a sense.  I became an obsessive avid reader of Psychiatry and Psychology, trying to figure out what were the mental disorders all about.

Beginning 2013, I started college and things are getting better, I was in fact Happy!  It just felt that my life is getting amazing, it’s going to be an interesting and amazingly awesome year!!   🙂

In March, I started to spiral downhill, sadnessfrustrationanger slowly seep into my soul.

I worked with my counselor in college since then on issues that bothered me a lot and impaired my ability to function during lectures

Life, for me at this very moment, is tormenting, sad and just full of frustration.  I wish words could explain how I feel.

Throughout this year, I spent tremendous amount of time, thinking and thinking about problems that might occur soon, such as relapse of my depression, panic attack and anxieties episode from 2012.. I spent much time in counseling, struggling in my studies, concentration.. Horrible stuff. The messiness in my mind that I could no longer try to describe.

STIGMA, used to be the main issue why I do not share my feelings, my struggles with other people, even my family.  But now, they know about my condition, and I find solace, I find comfort in God’s mercy and grace, giving me strength every step of my path.

Just yesterday, I went for my Pdoc’s appointment for an official assessment.  I was hoping, someone, something could help me drag myself out of my bed.  Sadly, there was no clear indication of what I was suffering with yet. However, Dr told me some possibilities.  It may be Depression, Bipolar II or Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

Even though I’ve read through a few chapters of the DSM IV-TR, I am not so sure what was BPD.  I decided not to read too much about mental illnesses/disorders already as I’m not feeling very well..  It makes me analyse even more and anxious. 

The Bipolar II, I wasn’t sure why was it being even considered possible for me.  Maybe it’s because I kept feeling the need to spend money, going for shopping, and just eat a lot of food.  Being an aspiring psychologist in the future, I want to enter degree in Psychology desperately and I want to be able to function again, possibly better.  Right now, I don’t feel okay, but I am holding on to Hope, trying to be Positive, constantly reminding myself that I CAN, and that there are people out there who are dealing with things worse than mine.

My psychiatrist then prescribed me:

1) Xanax (Alprazolam) 0.25mg

2) Lamictal dispersible (Lamotrigine) 25mg

3) Seroquel (Quetiapine) 25mg

4) Seroquel (Quetiapine) 200mg

I’ve asked him if I really needed them, he said for now, YES.  my god… I really don’t feel I can go for my final exams starting next week.  My mood swings, I feel depressed.  I don’t know if anyone wants to be around me anymore. 

On the outside I still continue faking as if I’m alright, I am happy, but deep down I’m not.

I’ve taken Lamictal and Seroquel 50mg yesterday night after dinner.  I did felt dizzy when I stood up that night, going towards the kitchen to grab a glass of water.

This morning when I woke up, I decided that I want to be POSITIVE, I want to start thinking positive.  I will just tell myself that nothing is wrong with me as there is no actual diagnosis yet. 

I will ACCEPT my current down, depressed, unstable emotions and mood situation, I will be strong and battle this thing. Because no one can help me unless I help myself.   

Acceptance is what I need to deal with my life problems and I think all of us need this element too!  A lecturer once told me that research have shown that it’s human nature to be pessimistic, so we all Learn to be Optimistic!

That’s all for now.  I hope anyone of you struggling with life out there hold on to hope like me, be patient and surrender all your worries to God.

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Pdoc’s Appointment

Today was a BRAVE day for me..

Went for a session of family counseling today.  Really, I prayed a simple prayer before I go… Because this was really the first time I allowed a counselor to understand and try to intervene my family stuff.

We just chat, me, mum, dad.  I wouldn’t say it’s entirely pleasant session, I still felt I was reluctant to participate.  Was okay overall and progress to make progress is in progress.

After that, I was just ‘jumping’ between decisions whether or not to see the Pdoc I’ve arranged appointment with. I’d just call him Dr / Pdoc (slang for psychiatrist) here. Finally I made my decision to just go anyway.  Consultation fee was supposedly RM 180, but today Pdoc didn’t have much time left for me as he’s rushing to another clinic and I was his last patient.  Well, so the session was FREE of charge but I still got to talk to him about my problems for about 20 minutes.  🙂

Going to another Pdoc after the horrible terrible previous one was indeed something that I mustered a lot of courage to try.

Didn’t get an actual diagnosis today about what was it that I am facing as Dr did not get enough information to do so.  I did, however get a prescription for 4 tablets of Xanax (Alprazolam), a medication of class Benzodiazepine at 0.25mg dosage to be taken as needed before I see him again.  Seeing him again next week.

I thought at this point, it would be great to give out some information about the medication Xanax (Alprazolam).  This information on the drug is based on a web application and should not be taken as medical advice or as a substitute for judgment and expertise of health care professionals.

Brand Name: Xanax

Generic Name: Alprazolam

Class: Benzodiazepine

Indications: Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD), panic disorder

Dosage: 0.25 mg, 0.5 mg, 1 mg, 2 mg

Half Life: 12-15 hours

Side effects: drowsiness, dizziness, headache, nausea, weakness, sexual problems, liver problems, confusion. 

Overall, today was great!  Look forward to a better day tomorrow.

Ups and downs

Final exams are so near.. I can’t believe that instead of writing on my personal journal, I’m writing this on my public blog. :S

I don’t like who I am now been struggling, and struggling, and struggling……  Life sucks. One day I’m fine and one day I’m not.  It’s not under my control, and because of that I isolate myself from other people, when in social interactions I pretend as if I’m happy, cheerful but after the chat with the people, I am back to my 😦 face again.

It seemed like it will never end, it seemed like I’m gonna need to deal with these emotions, thoughts, feelings, internal voices all my life. Why?

Thinking of the business cycle.. Peak, Downturn, Recession and Recovery.. My emotions are simply like that, minus off the peak and recovery.

I’m grateful however, that I’m going through life better compared to the dysfunctional me last year. But I can’t lift these negative emotions. I hate to get psychiatric help. But at the same time, I can’t do it alone, it’s too difficult, it’s too tough for me.

I can’t be strong.  I don’t know why but I just can’t..

I need help. I don’t want to live like this all my life.

I want some positive change.

I want to feel better, function better.

Having family session with counselor and seeing Pdoc tmr, hopefully assessment will help me and something can be done..

I’m still doing some studies for exams but constantly feeling sad, depressed, apathetic…. etc..

I hate it, it’s horrible and I want it to stop.  I’m already not taking care of hygiene (I try to) and is spiraling down in life.

Where is hope? Where is the future? Where am I?

Sadly signing off..

 

Doctor’s visit: hopefully will get better

Today I got the doctors’ contacts from the college counseling referral and decided that I should be going for an assessment for my mental health condition.  I might need to take medications if I can’t cope.  Been struggling throughout the year after the depressive episode in 2012.

After breaking news to my parents, I felt relieved as if I don’t need any help anymore. But at the same time, sadness persist.  Thoughts, feelings, internal voices disturbed.  I am no longer sure of what or who I am anymore.  I am just pretty messed up.. sometimes.

Looking forward to the appointment.. Hopefully can get a place from one of the psychiatrists.  I hope things will be fine, I hope I will improve and feel better, think better and be able to prepare for my finals.

I want a change in me, I am tired of the current me, so exhausting…. so depressed.

Today is also the last day of official college classes. I don’t have much time before finals start. I got to make sure I am up for it.

Wish me luck.