Yesterday night was a great night with Planet Shakers, a Christian worship band from Melbourne, Australia at DUMC Dream Centre, where dreams come alive.
I have actually forgotten about the event that will be held at the church yesterday until checked my Facebook. Among the difficult days, this week can be considered one of my best weeks in January as I was able to do some quality work at my office. Although I kept having brainjam-ness where I was unable to think creatively nor extract any ideas that I may have in mind. My work is inclusive of interviewing people and writing their stories, however, I didn’t seem to be able to even write an article ranging from 800 to 1000 words.
It was tough, really. I spent days stuck in that same paragraph till a point I doubt my ability to finish the piece. Devastated, I don’t know if I would be able to write as my ideas flow from my mind, just like in the previous years.
But yesterday, I held no expectations when I arrived at Dream Centre. I just didn’t care much. I just wanted to have fun! I knew just like any other night rallies, Planet Shakers (PS) will start with worship where there is music, loudness and people praising God passionately.
I always had a habit of ruminating, meaning thinking of something / some situation (mostly disconcerting) over and over again. Repeatedly, I couldn’t stop thinking of my mental condition. I would be so conscious of my own emotions and thoughts that when they arise, my heart would have this coldness – I was afraid – of what the moment brings. Normally, I was focus on the fear so much it prevents me from doing anything. I would be stuck in that scary feeling, fear of the future, anxiety due to my BP2 and slowly but surely, sink into a depressive episode. I would be so disappointed in myself, keep having my own internal voices telling me that
“I can’t do anything right”
“There’s no use thinking about the dreams you have and want to achieve in the future. They are just plain thoughts”
“You will never find true friends because they will harm and hurt you”
These were thoughts that bug my mind every single day! Gone were the days where I would have this strong Asian-typical mentality that as long as I do my best, I will be able to achieve my dreams. And that as long as I treat others well, I would have them treating me with equal kindness as well. Time and tide has “proven” / “convinced” me that they are not true, they are all lies; I am just living in a dream-like world if I keep having the childish mentality that there are good people in this world; everyone is just selfish and will forever care for themselves alone……
During the rally, when we sang the worship songs of PS, this bridge from “Spirit Fall” struck a chord deep in my heart…
Leave me astounded
leave me amazed.
Show off your glory
let heaven invade.
We’re waiting with worship
We’re waiting with praise
for the almighty presence of God to invade.
From the beginning of the rally, I prepared myself and told God that I would surrender myself to Him. I spoke to God and told him, “You know that I suffer from my mood swings oh God, only You and You alone can rescue me Lord” And believe it or not, I felt so peaceful. At that point I just felt that no matter what my days ahead may be, I know when I trust in the Lord’s almighty power, things can change, my negative emotions and thoughts will be powerless when God intervenes.
For in the NIV version, Jeremiah 29:11 says
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Too often, too many times, I sink into depression at least once a day, and during those times, I do not know what to do, I am lost, I fail to get myself out of the black hole. Everything was dark, even in the happiest moments, I feel sad; even if I’m surrounded by people, I feel alone. In these times, too, I feel God had forsaken me. I then would start to question whether or not I had been a good child, a good daughter of my heavenly Father, I would then keep ruminating trying to find why God has left me. Is it because I succumbed into the legitimate pleasures of the world? Is it because I was disrespectful to my parents the other day? And the list will go endless.
Let’s go back to the night rally now.. When it’s the time for the preacher (I have yet to find out who is he) to preach. I would say, I was amazed, and I still am. He talks about David, in the Bible who was always the underdog in his life. His father did not want him but he was appointed as the King of Israel one day. David was always tending to the flock of sheep as he was assigned to do by his father, Jesse. David had been training for fight against anything and anyone who tried to harm his sheep. He had killed a lion and a bear. David was not an underdog because he was talking to his heavenly Father, spending time with Him when he was in the fields. He was doing Target Practice. The preacher told us that no one is an underdog because God will be by our side when we face problems. We ought not to treat whatever bad situation we are in or any difficulties, adversities that come before us as the impossible. We need to treat them as Target Practice, we got to believe that God will bring us through during hardships. Aim and throw the stone with the sling just like David did. Well, not literally but I guess you all understand what I meant.
What I fail to notice during those moments (depressive episodes) is that I will feel better after a while, and that itself may mean a few hours. 4 to 5 hours and I will come out of the depressive time where nothing will lift me up from the mood. Well, isn’t this God at work? I remembered that although 2013 was a very tough year for me, I never fail to submit my assignments, I always managed to do it! Although there were many times I fall into sadness, which seemed unending, God lift me up sooner or later!
God is amazing! As I felt attached to counseling, God helped me accept that there is a time and season for everything. And it was time for me to stop the sessions according to the form I signed and agreed to. I know that counseling is a process intentionally created in a safe environment to help one cope / solve problems and it is intended to be temporary, not permanent, and taking only a period of one’s life.
That’s all for my sharing. I hope you all will find this encouraging for those who are facing problems in your life and never cease trusting Jesus our Lord and Saviour.