Update: My progress and Welcoming the New Year 2015

It’s been a long time since I posted here. Why? Good news as I have been improving through psychotherapy with my therapist. I finally felt so free really, messy mind  is still around, lurking in me once in a while but I am confident I will ride it through.

Family therapy have bee very helpful, it helped me realise I am not the only person in the family facing troubles, I can reach out for their help even though they may not fully understand my inner struggles. 🙂

Indeed it is a bold move trying family therapy from being all ALONE and SUICIDAL for 1 whole year. I guess I have to attribute this to my nature of being resourceful and willing to ask for help (I went for counselling with 7 counsellors prior to my current therapist). Some were one-off cases and 2 were quite long term (17 and 8 sessions respectively). These are all free / minimal fee counselling by the way.

PROGRESS
1) I made it through 9 weeks without seeing my psychiatrist. He postponed my appointment suddenly this week but I was able to wait until next week.
2) I took up a job (6 days a week) and am working 7 days a week together with my another Part-time job.
3) I enjoy life better now, blogging, getting all into fashion, beauty, make-up,skincare and manicures!!!
4) I practise mindfulness almost daily and go for hikes every other week.

I feel my Bipolar II or Depression is quite seasonal. I am all good for the first 3 months of the year and then around May – September I will be facing problems, getting all down and depressed, then towards the end of the year I will be fighting my best to get back up on my feet, judging from how I’ve been from years 2013 Jan – 2014 Dec.

I hope you all out there having similar or other mental health problems as I do, will not push away the HOPE that will keep you going, and LIVE FOR TODAY, give yourself lots of L.O.V.E.. I pushed through and saw my improvement. I dare not say recovery as life is always full of ups and downs.

Happy New Year everyone and be happy, laugh, live life and fight on!!

No longer (hopefully) Messy Me

Recovery: Taking a different perspective towards Depression

There are several diagnoses that includes depression in the DSM, i.e. Major Depressive Disorder (MDD), dysthymia, Bipolar disorder etc, they are just useful in helping you identify what is the core difficulty you’re suffering.

Despite having a rough diagnosis of Bipolar II, I like to think of my rather moderate depression as just a collection of unpleasant sensations. Mostly, I experience a constant low mood, my heart feels empty and cold and it seemed like I will never get out of the rut and it will be a vicious cycle.

There are better ways to view depression or your state of unpleasantness as I would call it. Over a period of experiencing on and off depressive states, I find these perspectives useful.

1)  There’s no point worrying, for you cannot predict the future.

“It’s a metaphor, see: You put the killing thing right between your teeth, but you don’t give it the power to do its killing.”   (Source: The Fault in our Stars – movie [book by John Green])

When worry / anxiety comes, acknowledge that it is there but adopt the perspective of Augustus Waters in the movie The Fault in Our Stars, “Don’t give it the power”. Brush it off, drop it.

What you WILL lose if you worry is Time. Anxiety uses a lot of your time.

A personal experience: When I get into a depressive state for the night after a few productive days, I fear it will haunt me over and over again. But it’s a FACT that we cannot predict the future, I don’t even know if I will still be alive tomorrow, the next hour or minute.

2) It’s just a collection of symptoms

Your diagnosis you get from your psychiatrist or psychologist and the similar words countless articles on the Internet tells you “It is a serious condition that needs medical attention” etc may scare the hell out of you initially, just as I did.

A personal experience: Back and forth I try to find out if there is actually a problem with me, as I do not understand why I get into intense episodes of low mood and confusion but later feeling ok and have a gut feeling or perception that I was faking it.

3) It’s a daily routine of picking yourself up

It takes patience and perseverance. Just like the economy, it has its peaks and troughs, it’s like a sine curve, it goes up and down then up again.

With depression, it may be very difficult to envision hope and a future when the dark clouds of sadness hover over our heads. Some of the people with depression take medications such as Cymbalta, Zoloft or Lexapro to help cope with the symptoms, but know that you will not be cured of depression by just obediently popping pills like your doctor told you to.

You can take charge the minute you decide to. Be an active fighter, don’t let transient periods of low moments/horrible feelings/delusions or whatever you face bog you down. Soothe yourself down, learn to cope with them if they appear to stick with you most of the time.

About the stigma:

In the country I live in, there are much stigma surrounding the subject of mental illness or people seeing psychiatrist. I feel offended when my peers talk about people being crazy if he/she has schizophrenia. I am unable to explain to them as I would not like to disclose that I go to therapy and take meds. When I recover, I want to become an advocate and not be afraid to share my story. They can judge all they want and I don’t care.

I cannot guarantee you changing your perspectives like I’ve listed above you will entirely be free of symptoms, but I can assure you that you can be hopeful again, you can be a fighter and you can learn to cope with support from your loved ones.

 

Pdoc’s appointment: being disappointed

Today was a disappointing day. I planned what I was going to ask/tell my doctor way in advanced before my appointment today. I want to stop my medications, for several reasons:

Firstly, I feel my condition is due to a situation, namely my poor relationship skills, rather than biological.

Secondly, I feel I now have the capability to deal with my issues with help of therapy.

Thirdly, the medications are incredibly costly.

As my doctor said he would eventually stop my medications when we talked last session, I thought very positively that he would say yes this time around, as I asked him if I could stop now.

He refused and said that now is not the time. I probed furthur and asked if he could cut down one of the meds, either Seroquel or Lamictal, he still said no. He would do it, but not until at least end of the year or early 2015. I told him I wanted to test whether I could deal with issues on my own without the medication, he said he would prefer I face crisis or difficult times while on medication so that even though I react strongly, it would not be as strong.

He also talked to mum and explained to her about it. I am just quite disappointed with the outcome that I still got to take the medications till the end of the year at least. That’s freaking 7 months more.

Sometimes I think he just wants to keep me as long as I can so that he can profit from me. But he also said that he doesnt get paid from the medications at all.

As I negotiated furthur, he said it is a situation that is non-negotiable. If he were stricter with his patients, he said he wouldn’t explain at all. It would be a strict no no. It’s not his regulation, it’s the international protocol.

Sigh once again. But I will be a compliant patient, I will take my medications. Meanwhile, I will work on my interpersonal relationships.

hello?? anyone out there?

just as i think i am feeling better, i get disappointed again

because my mood swings again

or rather it’s a gradual process

usually I’m alone…. and I don’t feel talking to anyone.

I start to indulge in my own thoughts

and I get more and more stoned, and confused

Sometimes, my mind is chattering to one another,

my own voices talking to one another,

sometimes when it is too much to bear,

I start to talk out loud

and the conversation between me and the air

becomes a lil crazy.

 

 

A new (old experience) – Long term therapy: Round 2

Recently I have started therapy again, now with a psychologist. For the second time, I actually go for psychotherapy which cost a lot!! My parents are paying for it in addition to my medical bills. I am very grateful for that.

Having been in free counselling / therapy for such a long time, with many different counsellors, I have gained much insight and understanding of myself, my emotions, behavior, thinking.

now that I’m in university, building relationships has been challenging. And since I’m feeling very stable on my current dose (Seroquel 150 and Lamictal 100), I decide to try to build and maintain my relationships with others. Friendship especially.

My new therapist apparently prefers a systemic approach or simply put: family therapy. Well, I decide to give it a shot since 1-1 all these years doesn’t seem to be very effective.

Mood (1-10) : 9

Duration of mood: 2 weeks 🙂

possible BPD?

Today has been a very rough day for me. I feel so so sad.. At first, I was just wanting to finish my assignment in the morning, now I am just very depressed. tomorrow is my birthday. I dont want to feel the same way as I did for the past two years. I feel so upset I feel I cant live with this anymore. One minute I think I am fine and just was faking all of these for drama reason or scripting my own story. I can’t cope with the overwhelming emotions I am feeling. the fucking medications make me so slow that I can’t think well and do my assignment. No one seem to believe me. What can I do??? I feel so lost, so in pain. I want to cry so much..I dont feel well. I dont want to feel this way a day before my birthday.

心情。。(translation: emotions / feelings)

生, 又如何..

心也累了

我, 越想 越失去方向

越不知道自己在干什么了

心, 跳,

很冷, 很痛, 好折磨

好辛苦的心情, 没人知道

 

我知道自己伤心太久了

我好想哭了, 却不知到怎么…

我不知道如何去舒缓.

心想,心愿,  有能无力.

所有梦想, 理想, 都化成烟.

 

我累了 我累了

When is it going to end?

The dark clouds of depression seemed to always loom over my head. It comes for a moment, a period of time, could be hours, days, sometimes weeks and months. I don’t know if my life is going to be full of depression episodes, it seem like it won’t go away.

I am lost. I am now aware that I began to lose interest in things. Things I do I don’t know why I do them. There’s no meaning in it. It’s like me going through daily motions.. like a robot, a soulless robot. I hardly feel anymore. All that is within me is a heavy rock over my heart, constantly pressurizing it, my inner being.

Wrecked: Emotionally destroyed

Many times, I can’t prevent depressive feelings from rushing into me, into my soul, deep within it stirs. Tonight is one of those nights… Just hours ago, I was just elated for Im starting my university life officially tomorrow. I can’t wait~!! But never did I knew, after a few hours of Movie Marathon straight, it’s as if my mind was playing tricks on me.

It was as if my mind was playing TRICKS on ME!!!

It’s so UNFAIR, my soul shouted and wailed from inside of me..
I feel so down all of the sudden, I feel things are going dejavu / repeating again!!
I think of cutting myself again, I haven’t thought of doing it or done it in many many months, but now the feelings rushed back into me, deeply I feel hurt.

I am afraid, always overwhelmed in fear during these moments, not in those happy moments of mine where it seems like the new world is so so overwhelmingly POSITIVE, Nothing could break my will to be strong and to hang on and to see a positive silver lining at every adversity, every trouble.

But WHY??? Why does that seem impossible when these FAMILIAR, astonishingly FAMILIAR feelings come back?
They are intruding my every being as of now, just like it did before, mostly in the same depth… YET there is nothing I could do to stop the feeling from destroying my inner soul by the minute.

As much as I try to tell myself, “It’s okay, it’s gonna be alright, soon, it will be”, I STRUGGLE during that whole duration…. I feel hopeless, beyond help, and at the same time wishing I was no longer here, to end it all.

It seemed that the sadness wasn’t the type where it is at the CRAZILY sad till the CORE, BUT Because it has been SO SO consistent, and at the same severity, same type of gush of the emotions invading me, MY SOUL, MY HEART no longer can stand it anymore.

It’s been a really happy time where I have been living my few weeks literally anticipating the bright future I may have in UNI, the great experience etc etc..

BUT NOW IT SEEM TO BE ALL GONE>>>>>> NO one knows if I will get any better, because simply they don’t know I am having a problem. BUT I AM SO SO DEPRESSED AND FEELING SO HOPELESS to the point where I can’t even read a single paragraph of the book I bought by Anthony Robbins : Awaken the Giant within.

I am totally messed up!! How am I gonna help others with mental / emotional issues when I am unable to solve my own as well???? Someone SAVE me

Effect of Seroquel (quetiapine) on my daily life

Life has been great after I started taking Seroquel and Lamictal since Oct 2013.  That time, I went to a psychiatrist because I was feeling very suicidal, hopeless and depressed as I was unable to function at college.

Then, my Pdoc says I have Bipolar II Disorder.  Somehow, I feel that I kinda like the idea that a drug / medicine will be able to remove all my worries, anxieties, hopelessness, fear… basically things that I am struggling with daily.

Seroquel (S) / Lamictal (L), I don’t know which had more of an effect on my currently almost worry free days.  I take S 200mg, 1 tablet and L 25mg (used to be 50mg), 1 tablet, both after food. When I just started, I was taking in random hours, not consistent at all!

There will be days I take at 11pm, some at 8pm or 10:30pm… Due to the super drowsiness caused by S, but not by L, I sometimes purposely take L first at 9pm, then stay up late to surf the net, watch movies, stuff like that so that I won’t be sleepy which will happen if I take S at the same time too.

But now, there’s a huge problem. Thanks to the super annoying drowsiness & fatigue by the AstraZeneca made S, I hit a car once when I was driving to work, pretty much dozing off every other minute. Other times, I find it very very difficult to concentrate on everything I do, simply because I am so so SLEEPY!

There are many types of scenarios which may happen in no particular order or pattern:

1. I take S at around 9-10pm, I feel so so sleepy then I can’t stand properly, and was knocked off to sleep within 30-45 minutes time.
2. I take S at around 11-11:30pm, I can stay up till 1am and still don’t feel tired.
3. I take S, I sleep, I was woken up by mum, I got out of bed, I feel extremely tired and I went back to sleep.  Then mum disturbed my sleep within 5-10 mins again, I got out of bed, I still feel like sleeping and I went back to sleep. This process repeats for 3-4 times until I was really running late for work, then I forced myself to get up and get dressed, wash my face etc… The problem is, even though I tell myself the night before that if I ever feel like going back to sleep again after being woken up by mum, I would remind myself of the consequence of doing so, which is being late for work. I thought that would make me able to stay awake and get prepared to depart. Turns out, it’s as if my brain don’t process any of that information when I try to tell it. It’s as if the most important thing at that time was to go back to sleep.
4. I take S, I sleep. I wake up the next morning feeling tired, then I go to work, I feel like sleeping. After 2 hours or so, I am able to work for a bit.  Then after lunch, I feel like a zombie again.

The huge problem now is that I feel so tired throughout the day (most of the days), and yet I have a 30 minute programme for my piano diploma exam which is just around the corner.

My teacher has been commenting about my lack of focus for the whole of last year.  It has been ages and it is super annoying for me.  I hid the fact I was seeing a psychiatrist and taking medications. But for some reason, she asked me one fine afternoon whether I was taking any medications at the moment.

I wanted to lie to her because she had just been plain annoying. But unsure why, I told her the truth that I was taking medications. She asked what they were for. I just said one word “Mood”, hoping she would fucking mind her own business and shut up!

She even asked me to ask my Dr if he could write a letter for me saying that I am taking medications that affect my focus / attention / concentration (whatever) which affects my piano performance. She wants me to give that to my examiner.

She even quoted one of her students’ experience in a similar case, which ended in a way where she passed even though she had several slips in her performance (which is not allowed in Diploma level) because of the letter.

In addition to that, she wanted me to ask my Dr whether I could stop my medications 1 month before my exam in March/April.

Obviously I didn’t want the fucking letter.  Yes, I took 3 years to practise and prepare for this Diploma, due to me stopping piano lessons for more than ½ a year because of my depression.  But hell no I want that damn letter to help me pass. To me, it’s some sort of a disability shit, where it’s like telling the examiner, “I have a problem with concentration here, you better pass me.”  WTF!! I never would want the letter, I want my hardwork to be paid off and I don’t want the Diploma cert which is given because of the “concentration problem”.

Plus, Seroquel was giving me problem free days, for once I feel good, for once I am not thinking about past sad events so often anymore, for once I feel I have a future ahead of me. Personally, I think if any changes should be made, I think the dosage may be reduced.

Anyway, I emailed my Dr about what my teacher suggested, even though I didn’t want to include the letter, but somehow I decided to write that part in as well. It took me 1 hour to think and rethink about whether or not my email was written properly before I sent it this morning.

Sometimes, I hope he would give me some Ritalin to make me more alert. I used to take them when I was depressed 2 years back. Fuck, I always want to get off the meds a.s.a.p. when I am taking them, but when I stop them already, I find ways to become psychologically sick so that I can go back to a Dr to get those drugs…

I don’t know why, but I feel I am just thinking differently at different times. Super positive about my future at times and sometimes playing a victim role, pitying myself and so on.