When is it going to end?

The dark clouds of depression seemed to always loom over my head. It comes for a moment, a period of time, could be hours, days, sometimes weeks and months. I don’t know if my life is going to be full of depression episodes, it seem like it won’t go away.

I am lost. I am now aware that I began to lose interest in things. Things I do I don’t know why I do them. There’s no meaning in it. It’s like me going through daily motions.. like a robot, a soulless robot. I hardly feel anymore. All that is within me is a heavy rock over my heart, constantly pressurizing it, my inner being.

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Wrecked: Emotionally destroyed

Many times, I can’t prevent depressive feelings from rushing into me, into my soul, deep within it stirs. Tonight is one of those nights… Just hours ago, I was just elated for Im starting my university life officially tomorrow. I can’t wait~!! But never did I knew, after a few hours of Movie Marathon straight, it’s as if my mind was playing tricks on me.

It was as if my mind was playing TRICKS on ME!!!

It’s so UNFAIR, my soul shouted and wailed from inside of me..
I feel so down all of the sudden, I feel things are going dejavu / repeating again!!
I think of cutting myself again, I haven’t thought of doing it or done it in many many months, but now the feelings rushed back into me, deeply I feel hurt.

I am afraid, always overwhelmed in fear during these moments, not in those happy moments of mine where it seems like the new world is so so overwhelmingly POSITIVE, Nothing could break my will to be strong and to hang on and to see a positive silver lining at every adversity, every trouble.

But WHY??? Why does that seem impossible when these FAMILIAR, astonishingly FAMILIAR feelings come back?
They are intruding my every being as of now, just like it did before, mostly in the same depth… YET there is nothing I could do to stop the feeling from destroying my inner soul by the minute.

As much as I try to tell myself, “It’s okay, it’s gonna be alright, soon, it will be”, I STRUGGLE during that whole duration…. I feel hopeless, beyond help, and at the same time wishing I was no longer here, to end it all.

It seemed that the sadness wasn’t the type where it is at the CRAZILY sad till the CORE, BUT Because it has been SO SO consistent, and at the same severity, same type of gush of the emotions invading me, MY SOUL, MY HEART no longer can stand it anymore.

It’s been a really happy time where I have been living my few weeks literally anticipating the bright future I may have in UNI, the great experience etc etc..

BUT NOW IT SEEM TO BE ALL GONE>>>>>> NO one knows if I will get any better, because simply they don’t know I am having a problem. BUT I AM SO SO DEPRESSED AND FEELING SO HOPELESS to the point where I can’t even read a single paragraph of the book I bought by Anthony Robbins : Awaken the Giant within.

I am totally messed up!! How am I gonna help others with mental / emotional issues when I am unable to solve my own as well???? Someone SAVE me

Effect of Seroquel (quetiapine) on my daily life

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seroquel pills

Life has been great after I started taking Seroquel and Lamictal since Oct 2013.  That time, I went to a psychiatrist because I was feeling very suicidal, hopeless and depressed as I was unable to function at college.

Then, my Pdoc says I have Bipolar II Disorder.  Somehow, I feel that I kinda like the idea that a drug / medicine will be able to remove all my worries, anxieties, hopelessness, fear… basically things that I am struggling with daily.

Seroquel (S) / Lamictal (L), I don’t know which had more of an effect on my currently almost worry free days.  I take S 200mg, 1 tablet and L 25mg (used to be 50mg), 1 tablet, both after food. When I just started, I was taking in random hours, not consistent at all!

There will be days I take at 11pm, some at 8pm or 10:30pm… Due to the super drowsiness caused by S, but not by L, I sometimes purposely take L first at 9pm, then stay up late to surf the net, watch movies, stuff like that so that I won’t be sleepy which will happen if I take S at the same time too.

But now, there’s a huge problem. Thanks to the super annoying drowsiness & fatigue by the AstraZeneca made S, I hit a car once when I was driving to work, pretty much dozing off every other minute. Other times, I find it very very difficult to concentrate on everything I do, simply because I am so so SLEEPY!

There are many types of scenarios which may happen in no particular order or pattern:

  1. I take S at around 9-10pm, I feel so so sleepy then I can’t stand properly, and was knocked off to sleep within 30-45 minutes time.
  2. I take S at around 11-11:30pm, I can stay up till 1am and still don’t feel tired.
  3. I take S, I sleep, I was woken up by mum, I got out of bed, I feel extremely tired and I went back to sleep.  Then mum disturbed my sleep within 5-10 mins again, I got out of bed, I still feel like sleeping and I went back to sleep. This process repeats for 3-4 times until I was really running late for work, then I forced myself to get up and get dressed, wash my face etc… The problem is, even though I tell myself the night before that if I ever feel like going back to sleep again after being woken up by mum, I would remind myself of the consequence of doing so, which is being late for work. I thought that would make me able to stay awake and get prepared to depart. Turns out, it’s as if my brain don’t process any of that information when I try to tell it. It’s as if the most important thing at that time was to go back to sleep.
  4. I take S, I sleep. I wake up the next morning feeling tired, then I go to work, I feel like sleeping. After 2 hours or so, I am able to work for a bit.  Then after lunch, I feel like a zombie again.

The huge problem now is that I feel so tired throughout the day (most of the days), and yet I have a 30 minute programme for my piano diploma exam which is just around the corner.

My teacher has been commenting about my lack of focus for the whole of last year.  It has been ages and it is super annoying for me.  I hid the fact I was seeing a psychiatrist and taking medications. But for some reason, she asked me one fine afternoon whether I was taking any medications at the moment.

I wanted to lie to her because she had just been plain annoying. But unsure why, I told her the truth that I was taking medications. She asked what they were for. I just said one word “Mood”, hoping she would fucking mind her own business and shut up!

She even asked me to ask my Dr if he could write a letter for me saying that I am taking medications that affect my focus / attention / concentration (whatever) which affects my piano performance. She wants me to give that to my examiner.

She even quoted one of her students’ experience in a similar case, which ended in a way where she passed even though she had several slips in her performance (which is not allowed in Diploma level) because of the letter.

In addition to that, she wanted me to ask my Dr whether I could stop my medications 1 month before my exam in March/April.

Obviously I didn’t want the fucking letter.  Yes, I took 3 years to practise and prepare for this Diploma, due to me stopping piano lessons for more than ½ a year because of my depression.  But hell no I want that damn letter to help me pass. To me, it’s some sort of a disability shit, where it’s like telling the examiner, “I have a problem with concentration here, you better pass me.”  WTF!! I never would want the letter, I want my hardwork to be paid off and I don’t want the Diploma cert which is given because of the “concentration problem”.

Plus, Seroquel was giving me problem free days, for once I feel good, for once I am not thinking about past sad events so often anymore, for once I feel I have a future ahead of me. Personally, I think if any changes should be made, I think the dosage may be reduced.

Anyway, I emailed my Dr about what my teacher suggested, even though I didn’t want to include the letter, but somehow I decided to write that part in as well. It took me 1 hour to think and rethink about whether or not my email was written properly before I sent it this morning.

Sometimes, I hope he would give me some Ritalin to make me more alert. I used to take them when I was depressed 2 years back. Fuck, I always want to get off the meds a.s.a.p. when I am taking them, but when I stop them already, I find ways to become psychologically sick so that I can go back to a Dr to get those drugs…

I don’t know why, but I feel I am just thinking differently at different times. Super positive about my future at times and sometimes playing a victim role, pitying myself and so on.

Visit to the Pdoc

this day is the day where I am supposed to see my Dr again.

During this appointment, I had many things to tell him.  About my crazy hyper cool yeah mode at work which just happened out of the sudden… and also the days where I don’t feel like doing anything.

As usual, he offered possible explanations to my complaints. Making as if things are normal. As in it’s normal to feel restless, not wanting to work on some days, while passionate to do what I do on other days.

I questioned his diagnosis this time, asking him if he was sure it wasn’t a pure depression.  I forgot his response, as I was just out-of-it at that time.  I often get distracted in sessions.  Just like my counselling sessions before.

Frankly speaking, i wanted myself to be able to stop medications and all those sessions a.s.a.p. !! It makes me feel dependent on medications.  But i just knew I would be desperately wanting to go back on meds when I start to face problems particularly emotional problems or make-believed problems.

I seem to always want to understand everything I deal with on a daily basis.  It’s like something I NEED TO ACHIEVE.  unsure why.

When I told Dr I called a helpline for some comfort during my sadness, he said that he doubt how they would be able to help.  As I contacted a clinical psych to ask for charges, it turn out to be 300 over bucks for a one-hour session.  Even though I should be able to claim the money, at this point of time, I do not see a need for that yet.

What was even more depressing and making me suspect his motives is that he said it could take months and months for me to get to the level of “normal” that I want. He asked me what I expected from him,  I don’t know.. Now I think of it, I would probably say Miracle.

I got to learn to be patient, he says.  I don’t want to!  I just need to get back on track ASAP and do what I love, at my very best!

I also asked him if my history of depression and this thing now would affect my future employment. He believes not as seeking medical help is a private matter, NO ONE needs to know.  I agree to this too!  I CHOOSE WHO and WHEN to tell.  No one else can tell me otherwise.

What I forgot to tell him was that the medications seriously affect my concentration. I could not focus on driving nor playing the piano.  I have a piano exam soon in March.  I got to focus which I hardly can with the meds playing around with my brain.

FInally, I got my prescription for Seroquel and Lamictal at the same doses again. This time, surprisingly, he charged higher fee of 120 bucks compared to its usual 90 bucks consultation. it was 45-50 minutes long. Not sure why he charges at a higher rate, didn’t bother to ask at that time either.

Tada, that’s all

Messy Me

Overwhelmed with fear and sadness

I FUCK LIFE!!!! WONT YOU MOOD SWINGS and BP2 LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM SO TIRED, I CANT SEEM TO DO ANYTHING RIGHT darn it!!! Another hours of suffering… that will never end. What’s the POINT!!! look at the bright side. what bright side? You feel a little ok now right? Then it’s gonna be fine. You always do get fine. I will be soon..

Today is yet another day where I feel the downs again.  I just am disappointed in my inability to predict what my mood will be in the next moment.  I don’t know, really.

I waited for a time where I could have my privacy. I called a local helpline, not putting any expectations, just calling hoping for someone to lean on, who will listen to me.

As usual, the beginning of the conversation while calling a helpline is full of fear.  I trembled as I try to explain my condition to the stranger at the line on the other side of the phone.

I felt comfort as the person emphatise with my condition.  She seemed to be able to comprehend what I was saying.  I felt relieved.  After 1 hour of talk, she gave me some tips to cope with my overwhelming moments of depressive states.

I slept the night feeling peaceful. 

my plain and simple blog design

egg resilience

What’s with my blog design??

Some may wonder..

I don’t know if you do,

But I always did.

My blog design is simply just plain

One colour, how boring..

Well, in my other public blog which I blog under my real name

It’s colourful, joyful and just full of live!!

I often wonder,

Am I just lazy to experiment some design?

Or is this how my blog should be like?

Then I thought,

The only reason for my plain, boring, one-colour-only blog

Is simply because I just want to

pour all the

struggles . disappointment .  hardship . sucks to the core stuff in here.

It’s a reflection of the difficult and the less difficult days of my life.

And not to forget,

This blog has no intention to attract many visitors

It’s just written to vent, rant amongst all aims

Whoever who happen to drop by,

Thank you .. and I hope you find some encouragement here

If you are facing (I wouldn’t say suffering) something similar to mine

And if you are not,

I hope you are at least aware that there are many people in this world

who are having emotional and / or mental problems

and know that they are not insane, out of their minds or violent in any way

They are not facing what they are facing due to a spiritual impairment or sin

or is it a result of karma.

Probably,

We have different beliefs, spiritual beliefs,

But it doesn’t matter

As I recalled I used to be thinking over and over (called ruminating)

About the illness / condition I have

May it be my depression 2 years back

Or my bipolar currently

But now, as my mood is more stable

I realize (a deep realization) that

Fuck it!  It doesn’t matter!

For it’s not our obligation to tell other people..

Our coworkers / colleagues, employers, friends, relatives, or family members

About our condition.. our mental illness, our label(s)

It is not a must

If you or I do not feel comfortable doing that

then don’t.

It’s your problem / illness / difficulty / condition

It does not require someone else to know it,

For what they can do (if they can empathise)

is just to support.

Dear all

don’t forget

We all have something amazing called RESILIENCE

resilience pink flower

As long we have a strong resiliency

and backed up by determinationresilience wordwe can overcome any adversity

It is being strong

Telling yourself ..

It’s okay if you messed up,

It’s okay if you are feeling depressed now,

for many hours, and unable to get out from that state.

It’s okay if you fail a subject at university

It’s okay if you feel suicidal at this point

It’s okay if you have been abused / raped / bullied  (well it’s not okay)

But whatever it is

If you don’t let it go and move on,

wouldn’t you be stuck in the past, sucked into it, really deep, like a black hole.

It may take time to heal from hurts, it’s okay, you must tell yourself

for in this journey of life,

it’s like a cycle

we are bound to have difficulties along the way

struggles and conflicts (may it be internal or external)

and we will bounce back from adversities,

as long we envision ourselves to get better, have a more balanced life

whatever the wish of yours may be.

Daily

remind yourself of what you truly want in your life

I believe many want happiness,

or simplicity

or wealth…

Sometimes, life can be super mean to some of us

Once, I even thought of doing drugs because I was just so depressed,

and nothing, literally nothing can pull me out from it

of course at that time I was being secretive about my condition

But know that psychedelic drugs can only give you what they call

“temporary pleasures”

the happiness that come from it does not last long

it will be very quick before you notice, you’re hooked

it’s similar to being chased by loan sharks,

it becomes a life of never-ending cycle

of getting high, crashed, needing drugs,

then you’ll do anything to get the money to buy them

Undeniably, many crazy thoughts run through my mind everyday

some may be something like

(warning)

How will I feel when I just run to the middle of the highway?

How does being crushed (literally) feel like? Does it help me escape the reality?

Does it help me finally escape difficulties?

Well, the above is just one of the examples

Just to sum it all,

The only way to cope with symptoms of mental illness(es)

and work towards recovery istrust strength focus

FIRST: Don’t go and care about the ‘BS’ DSM label (they don’t matter)

you know what you’re facing / going through

SECOND: Tell yourself to keep hanging on HoPE!!

you have hope as long as you live on!

THIRD: Give thanks for everyday you live and try to live a balanced Life.

that includes:

  • social life
  • family life
  • interests / hobbies
  • work / academics and
  • exercise, have a balanced & nutritious diet

I was told the last one (balanced life) by a counselor that I saw a few weeks back.

At that moment, I realize that that didn’t even cross my mind

for I was just “enjoying” and “cramming” my time with Work, Work and Work

voluntary work, academics, internship, many extra classes (music, make up, movies) and part time job

I forgot that I needed exercise, social interaction and to be close with my family.

Everything I did was on my own

and that’s it!

I fear interaction because I suspect that other people have ulterior motives

they will hurt me and harm me (physically / emotionally)

these are just a small part of what I deal with

I do hope this piece is helpful to you and speaks some truth of what people with mental illness face.

 dancing in the rain

Till the next time

See ya

Messy Me

Planet Shakers Awakening 2014

Yesterday night was a great night with Planet Shakers, a Christian worship band from Melbourne, Australia at DUMC Dream Centre, where dreams come alive.

           I have actually forgotten about the event that will be held at the church yesterday until checked my Facebook.  Among the difficult days, this week can be considered one of my best weeks in January as I was able to do some quality work at my office.  Although I kept having brainjam-ness where I was unable to think creatively nor extract any ideas that I may have in mind.   My work is inclusive of interviewing people and writing their stories, however, I didn’t seem to be able to even write an article ranging from 800 to 1000 words.

It was tough, really.  I spent days stuck in that same paragraph till a point I doubt my ability to finish the piece.  Devastated, I don’t know if I would be able to write as my ideas flow from my mind, just like in the previous years.

But yesterday, I held no expectations when I arrived at Dream Centre.  I just didn’t care much.  I just wanted to have fun!  I knew just like any other night rallies, Planet Shakers (PS) will start with worship where there is music, loudness and people praising God passionately.

I always had a habit of ruminating, meaning thinking of something / some situation (mostly disconcerting) over and over again.  Repeatedly, I couldn’t stop thinking of my mental condition.  I would be so conscious of my own emotions and thoughts that when they arise, my heart would have this coldness – I was afraid – of what the moment brings.  Normally, I was focus on the fear so much it prevents me from doing anything.  I would be stuck in that scary feeling, fear of the future, anxiety due to my BP2 and slowly but surely, sink into a depressive episode.  I would be so disappointed in myself, keep having my own internal voices telling me that

“I can’t do anything right”  

“There’s no use thinking about the dreams you have and want to achieve in the future.  They are just plain thoughts”

“You will never find true friends because they will harm and hurt you”

These were thoughts that bug my mind every single day!  Gone were the days where I would have this strong Asian-typical mentality that as long as I do my best, I will be able to achieve my dreams.  And that as long as I treat others well, I would have them treating me with equal kindness as well.  Time and tide has “proven” / “convinced” me that they are not true, they are all lies; I am just living in a dream-like world if I keep having the childish mentality that there are good people in this world; everyone is just selfish and will forever care for themselves alone……

During the rally, when we sang the worship songs of PS, this bridge from “Spirit Fall” struck a chord deep in my heart…

Leave me astounded

leave me amazed.

Show off your glory

let heaven invade.

We’re waiting with worship

We’re waiting with praise

for the almighty presence of God to invade.

From the beginning of the rally, I prepared myself and told God that I would surrender myself to Him.  I spoke to God and told him, “You know that I suffer from my mood swings oh God, only You and You alone can rescue me Lord”  And believe it or not, I felt so peaceful.  At that point I just felt that no matter what my days ahead may be, I know when I trust in the Lord’s almighty power, things can change, my negative emotions and thoughts will be powerless when God intervenes.

For in the NIV version, Jeremiah 29:11 says

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

            Too often, too many times, I sink into depression at least once a day, and during those times, I do not know what to do, I am lost, I fail to get myself out of the black hole.  Everything was dark, even in the happiest moments, I feel sad; even if I’m surrounded by people, I feel alone.  In these times, too, I feel God had forsaken me.  I then would start to question whether or not I had been a good child, a good daughter of my heavenly Father, I would then keep ruminating trying to find why God has left me.  Is it because I succumbed into the legitimate pleasures of the world?  Is it because I was disrespectful to my parents the other day? And the list will go endless.

            Let’s go back to the night rally now.. When it’s the time for the preacher (I have yet to find out who is he) to preach.  I would say, I was amazed, and I still am.   He talks about David, in the Bible who was always the underdog in his life.  His father did not want him but he was appointed as the King of Israel one day.  David was always tending to the flock of sheep as he was assigned to do by his father, Jesse.  David had been training for fight against anything and anyone who tried to harm his sheep.  He had killed a lion and a bear.  David was not an underdog because he was talking to his heavenly Father, spending time with Him when he was in the fields.  He was doing Target Practice.  The preacher told us that no one is an underdog because God will be by our side when we face problems.  We ought not to treat whatever bad situation we are in or any difficulties, adversities that come before us as the impossible.  We need to treat them as Target Practice, we got to believe that God will bring us through during hardships.  Aim and throw the stone with the sling just like David did.  Well, not literally but I guess you all understand what I meant.

What I fail to notice during those moments (depressive episodes) is that I will feel better after a while, and that itself may mean a few hours. 4 to 5 hours and I will come out of the depressive time where nothing will lift me up from the mood. Well, isn’t this God at work?  I remembered that although 2013 was a very tough year for me, I never fail to submit my assignments, I always managed to do it!  Although there were many times I fall into sadness, which seemed unending, God lift me up sooner or later!

God is amazing!  As I felt attached to counseling, God helped me accept that there is a time and season for everything.  And it was time for me to stop the sessions according to the form I signed and agreed to.  I know that counseling is a process intentionally created in a safe environment to help one cope / solve problems and it is intended to be temporary, not permanent, and taking only a period of one’s life.

That’s all for my sharing.   I hope you all will find this encouraging for those who are facing problems in your life and never cease trusting Jesus our Lord and Saviour.

Sincerely,

Messy Me