Monthly Archives: June 2014

Pdoc’s appointment: being disappointed

Today was a disappointing day. I planned what I was going to ask/tell my doctor way in advanced before my appointment today. I want to stop my medications, for several reasons:

Firstly, I feel my condition is due to a situation, namely my poor relationship skills, rather than biological.

Secondly, I feel I now have the capability to deal with my issues with help of therapy.

Thirdly, the medications are incredibly costly.

As my doctor said he would eventually stop my medications when we talked last session, I thought very positively that he would say yes this time around, as I asked him if I could stop now.

He refused and said that now is not the time. I probed furthur and asked if he could cut down one of the meds, either Seroquel or Lamictal, he still said no. He would do it, but not until at least end of the year or early 2015. I told him I wanted to test whether I could deal with issues on my own without the medication, he said he would prefer I face crisis or difficult times while on medication so that even though I react strongly, it would not be as strong.

He also talked to mum and explained to her about it. I am just quite disappointed with the outcome that I still got to take the medications till the end of the year at least. That’s freaking 7 months more.

Sometimes I think he just wants to keep me as long as I can so that he can profit from me. But he also said that he doesnt get paid from the medications at all.

As I negotiated furthur, he said it is a situation that is non-negotiable. If he were stricter with his patients, he said he wouldn’t explain at all. It would be a strict no no. It’s not his regulation, it’s the international protocol.

Sigh once again. But I will be a compliant patient, I will take my medications. Meanwhile, I will work on my interpersonal relationships.

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hello?? anyone out there?

just as i think i am feeling better, i get disappointed again

because my mood swings again

or rather it’s a gradual process

usually I’m alone…. and I don’t feel talking to anyone.

I start to indulge in my own thoughts

and I get more and more stoned, and confused

Sometimes, my mind is chattering to one another,

my own voices talking to one another,

sometimes when it is too much to bear,

I start to talk out loud

and the conversation between me and the air

becomes a lil crazy.

 

 

A new (old experience) – Long term therapy: Round 2

Recently I have started therapy again, now with a psychologist. For the second time, I actually go for psychotherapy which cost a lot!! My parents are paying for it in addition to my medical bills. I am very grateful for that.

Having been in free counselling / therapy for such a long time, with many different counsellors, I have gained much insight and understanding of myself, my emotions, behavior, thinking.

now that I’m in university, building relationships has been challenging. And since I’m feeling very stable on my current dose (Seroquel 150 and Lamictal 100), I decide to try to build and maintain my relationships with others. Friendship especially.

My new therapist apparently prefers a systemic approach or simply put: family therapy. Well, I decide to give it a shot since 1-1 all these years doesn’t seem to be very effective.

Mood (1-10) : 9

Duration of mood: 2 weeks 🙂