Tag Archives: psychiatrist

Visit to the Pdoc

this day is the day where I am supposed to see my Dr again.

During this appointment, I had many things to tell him.  About my crazy hyper cool yeah mode at work which just happened out of the sudden… and also the days where I don’t feel like doing anything.

As usual, he offered possible explanations to my complaints. Making as if things are normal. As in it’s normal to feel restless, not wanting to work on some days, while passionate to do what I do on other days.

I questioned his diagnosis this time, asking him if he was sure it wasn’t a pure depression.  I forgot his response, as I was just out-of-it at that time.  I often get distracted in sessions.  Just like my counselling sessions before.

Frankly speaking, i wanted myself to be able to stop medications and all those sessions a.s.a.p. !! It makes me feel dependent on medications.  But i just knew I would be desperately wanting to go back on meds when I start to face problems particularly emotional problems or make-believed problems.

I seem to always want to understand everything I deal with on a daily basis.  It’s like something I NEED TO ACHIEVE.  unsure why.

When I told Dr I called a helpline for some comfort during my sadness, he said that he doubt how they would be able to help.  As I contacted a clinical psych to ask for charges, it turn out to be 300 over bucks for a one-hour session.  Even though I should be able to claim the money, at this point of time, I do not see a need for that yet.

What was even more depressing and making me suspect his motives is that he said it could take months and months for me to get to the level of “normal” that I want. He asked me what I expected from him,  I don’t know.. Now I think of it, I would probably say Miracle.

I got to learn to be patient, he says.  I don’t want to!  I just need to get back on track ASAP and do what I love, at my very best!

I also asked him if my history of depression and this thing now would affect my future employment. He believes not as seeking medical help is a private matter, NO ONE needs to know.  I agree to this too!  I CHOOSE WHO and WHEN to tell.  No one else can tell me otherwise.

What I forgot to tell him was that the medications seriously affect my concentration. I could not focus on driving nor playing the piano.  I have a piano exam soon in March.  I got to focus which I hardly can with the meds playing around with my brain.

FInally, I got my prescription for Seroquel and Lamictal at the same doses again. This time, surprisingly, he charged higher fee of 120 bucks compared to its usual 90 bucks consultation. it was 45-50 minutes long. Not sure why he charges at a higher rate, didn’t bother to ask at that time either.

Tada, that’s all

Messy Me

Advertisements

Something right or something wrong? Getting messier…

Sorta had an idea of writing a post 

that is more close to 

my HEART

Perhaps,

they’re a little more than 

anyone can think of

out-of-this-world

 

 
 

I don’t know

I really don’t

Somehow, 

at the perhaps so-called 

peak of life

at a point where everyone expects

some form of 

dreams,

goals, 

achievements,

vocation,

yadda, yadda, yadda

you name it.

 

On the other side apart from academics 

we presume / assume 

Fun

Joy

Peace

Happiness

Hope

Friends

Family 

Love

and many more of 

“the.good.things”

fall in the place.

 

Or at the very least

thought so

 

 

in the very essence

of life

I can safely say

many wanted

a sense of 

Self

Stability

Freedom

perhaps,

Wealth and 

the Temporary “happiness”

and

they will be satisfied.

 

 

In my current course of life

waves of stories 

like knitting a sweater

for winter 

I’d say

everyday

these stories

are constantly changing

fluctuating

The plot

has never been

fixed

 

It has come to a point 

there’s just 

void

emptiness

it’s like a hole

a black hole 

just like the ones

in the outer space

 

 

Daily motions

this is also another thing

I go through it

the daily motions

day-by-day

week-by-week

along the way

as I repeat these routines

s.t.u.d.y

p.a.r.t. t.i.m.e. j.o.b

s.h.o.w.e.r

f.o.o.d

s.l.e.e.p

I doubt I existed

 

 

At this moment

I’m lost

clueless of

whether or not

there’s something wrong 

in myself

 

Most times,

I feel fine

capable

amazing

confident

sociable

pretty

you name any positive description 

of a girl similar to my age

I feel that

 

And here comes

the hurricane

that hits

no matter

rain or sunshine

 

 

Tomorrow

is another of Pdoc’s appointment

As I try my very best to find out

if anything is going on

or whateva is going on

 

I sincerely hope

whatever choice I make

will be the right one. 

 

Drowsily and tiredly

Signing off

Being strong: Accepting what is, not thinking about what should be

These days aren’t great days for me… Having to have dealt with an episode of depression towards the end of year 2012, I wanted things / situations to be different and my life to Change. 

Since I terminated treatment against medical advice (AMA), I hated Psychiatry and basically all psychiatrists in a sense.  I became an obsessive avid reader of Psychiatry and Psychology, trying to figure out what were the mental disorders all about.

Beginning 2013, I started college and things are getting better, I was in fact Happy!  It just felt that my life is getting amazing, it’s going to be an interesting and amazingly awesome year!!   🙂

In March, I started to spiral downhill, sadnessfrustrationanger slowly seep into my soul.

I worked with my counselor in college since then on issues that bothered me a lot and impaired my ability to function during lectures

Life, for me at this very moment, is tormenting, sad and just full of frustration.  I wish words could explain how I feel.

Throughout this year, I spent tremendous amount of time, thinking and thinking about problems that might occur soon, such as relapse of my depression, panic attack and anxieties episode from 2012.. I spent much time in counseling, struggling in my studies, concentration.. Horrible stuff. The messiness in my mind that I could no longer try to describe.

STIGMA, used to be the main issue why I do not share my feelings, my struggles with other people, even my family.  But now, they know about my condition, and I find solace, I find comfort in God’s mercy and grace, giving me strength every step of my path.

Just yesterday, I went for my Pdoc’s appointment for an official assessment.  I was hoping, someone, something could help me drag myself out of my bed.  Sadly, there was no clear indication of what I was suffering with yet. However, Dr told me some possibilities.  It may be Depression, Bipolar II or Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

Even though I’ve read through a few chapters of the DSM IV-TR, I am not so sure what was BPD.  I decided not to read too much about mental illnesses/disorders already as I’m not feeling very well..  It makes me analyse even more and anxious. 

The Bipolar II, I wasn’t sure why was it being even considered possible for me.  Maybe it’s because I kept feeling the need to spend money, going for shopping, and just eat a lot of food.  Being an aspiring psychologist in the future, I want to enter degree in Psychology desperately and I want to be able to function again, possibly better.  Right now, I don’t feel okay, but I am holding on to Hope, trying to be Positive, constantly reminding myself that I CAN, and that there are people out there who are dealing with things worse than mine.

My psychiatrist then prescribed me:

1) Xanax (Alprazolam) 0.25mg

2) Lamictal dispersible (Lamotrigine) 25mg

3) Seroquel (Quetiapine) 25mg

4) Seroquel (Quetiapine) 200mg

I’ve asked him if I really needed them, he said for now, YES.  my god… I really don’t feel I can go for my final exams starting next week.  My mood swings, I feel depressed.  I don’t know if anyone wants to be around me anymore. 

On the outside I still continue faking as if I’m alright, I am happy, but deep down I’m not.

I’ve taken Lamictal and Seroquel 50mg yesterday night after dinner.  I did felt dizzy when I stood up that night, going towards the kitchen to grab a glass of water.

This morning when I woke up, I decided that I want to be POSITIVE, I want to start thinking positive.  I will just tell myself that nothing is wrong with me as there is no actual diagnosis yet. 

I will ACCEPT my current down, depressed, unstable emotions and mood situation, I will be strong and battle this thing. Because no one can help me unless I help myself.   

Acceptance is what I need to deal with my life problems and I think all of us need this element too!  A lecturer once told me that research have shown that it’s human nature to be pessimistic, so we all Learn to be Optimistic!

That’s all for now.  I hope anyone of you struggling with life out there hold on to hope like me, be patient and surrender all your worries to God.

Ups and downs

Final exams are so near.. I can’t believe that instead of writing on my personal journal, I’m writing this on my public blog. :S

I don’t like who I am now been struggling, and struggling, and struggling……  Life sucks. One day I’m fine and one day I’m not.  It’s not under my control, and because of that I isolate myself from other people, when in social interactions I pretend as if I’m happy, cheerful but after the chat with the people, I am back to my 😦 face again.

It seemed like it will never end, it seemed like I’m gonna need to deal with these emotions, thoughts, feelings, internal voices all my life. Why?

Thinking of the business cycle.. Peak, Downturn, Recession and Recovery.. My emotions are simply like that, minus off the peak and recovery.

I’m grateful however, that I’m going through life better compared to the dysfunctional me last year. But I can’t lift these negative emotions. I hate to get psychiatric help. But at the same time, I can’t do it alone, it’s too difficult, it’s too tough for me.

I can’t be strong.  I don’t know why but I just can’t..

I need help. I don’t want to live like this all my life.

I want some positive change.

I want to feel better, function better.

Having family session with counselor and seeing Pdoc tmr, hopefully assessment will help me and something can be done..

I’m still doing some studies for exams but constantly feeling sad, depressed, apathetic…. etc..

I hate it, it’s horrible and I want it to stop.  I’m already not taking care of hygiene (I try to) and is spiraling down in life.

Where is hope? Where is the future? Where am I?

Sadly signing off..

 

Doctor’s visit: hopefully will get better

Today I got the doctors’ contacts from the college counseling referral and decided that I should be going for an assessment for my mental health condition.  I might need to take medications if I can’t cope.  Been struggling throughout the year after the depressive episode in 2012.

After breaking news to my parents, I felt relieved as if I don’t need any help anymore. But at the same time, sadness persist.  Thoughts, feelings, internal voices disturbed.  I am no longer sure of what or who I am anymore.  I am just pretty messed up.. sometimes.

Looking forward to the appointment.. Hopefully can get a place from one of the psychiatrists.  I hope things will be fine, I hope I will improve and feel better, think better and be able to prepare for my finals.

I want a change in me, I am tired of the current me, so exhausting…. so depressed.

Today is also the last day of official college classes. I don’t have much time before finals start. I got to make sure I am up for it.

Wish me luck.