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Update: My progress and Welcoming the New Year 2015

It’s been a long time since I posted here. Why? Good news as I have been improving through psychotherapy with my therapist. I finally felt so free really, messy mind  is still around, lurking in me once in a while but I am confident I will ride it through.

Family therapy have bee very helpful, it helped me realise I am not the only person in the family facing troubles, I can reach out for their help even though they may not fully understand my inner struggles. 🙂

Indeed it is a bold move trying family therapy from being all ALONE and SUICIDAL for 1 whole year. I guess I have to attribute this to my nature of being resourceful and willing to ask for help (I went for counselling with 7 counsellors prior to my current therapist). Some were one-off cases and 2 were quite long term (17 and 8 sessions respectively). These are all free / minimal fee counselling by the way.

1) I made it through 9 weeks without seeing my psychiatrist. He postponed my appointment suddenly this week but I was able to wait until next week.
2) I took up a job (6 days a week) and am working 7 days a week together with my another Part-time job.
3) I enjoy life better now, blogging, getting all into fashion, beauty, make-up,skincare and manicures!!!
4) I practise mindfulness almost daily and go for hikes every other week.

I feel my Bipolar II or Depression is quite seasonal. I am all good for the first 3 months of the year and then around May – September I will be facing problems, getting all down and depressed, then towards the end of the year I will be fighting my best to get back up on my feet, judging from how I’ve been from years 2013 Jan – 2014 Dec.

I hope you all out there having similar or other mental health problems as I do, will not push away the HOPE that will keep you going, and LIVE FOR TODAY, give yourself lots of L.O.V.E.. I pushed through and saw my improvement. I dare not say recovery as life is always full of ups and downs.

Happy New Year everyone and be happy, laugh, live life and fight on!!

No longer (hopefully) Messy Me

Recovery: Taking a different perspective towards Depression

There are several diagnoses that includes depression in the DSM, i.e. Major Depressive Disorder (MDD), dysthymia, Bipolar disorder etc, they are just useful in helping you identify what is the core difficulty you’re suffering.

Despite having a rough diagnosis of Bipolar II, I like to think of my rather moderate depression as just a collection of unpleasant sensations. Mostly, I experience a constant low mood, my heart feels empty and cold and it seemed like I will never get out of the rut and it will be a vicious cycle.

There are better ways to view depression or your state of unpleasantness as I would call it. Over a period of experiencing on and off depressive states, I find these perspectives useful.

1)  There’s no point worrying, for you cannot predict the future.

“It’s a metaphor, see: You put the killing thing right between your teeth, but you don’t give it the power to do its killing.”   (Source: The Fault in our Stars – movie [book by John Green])

When worry / anxiety comes, acknowledge that it is there but adopt the perspective of Augustus Waters in the movie The Fault in Our Stars, “Don’t give it the power”. Brush it off, drop it.

What you WILL lose if you worry is Time. Anxiety uses a lot of your time.

A personal experience: When I get into a depressive state for the night after a few productive days, I fear it will haunt me over and over again. But it’s a FACT that we cannot predict the future, I don’t even know if I will still be alive tomorrow, the next hour or minute.

2) It’s just a collection of symptoms

Your diagnosis you get from your psychiatrist or psychologist and the similar words countless articles on the Internet tells you “It is a serious condition that needs medical attention” etc may scare the hell out of you initially, just as I did.

A personal experience: Back and forth I try to find out if there is actually a problem with me, as I do not understand why I get into intense episodes of low mood and confusion but later feeling ok and have a gut feeling or perception that I was faking it.

3) It’s a daily routine of picking yourself up

It takes patience and perseverance. Just like the economy, it has its peaks and troughs, it’s like a sine curve, it goes up and down then up again.

With depression, it may be very difficult to envision hope and a future when the dark clouds of sadness hover over our heads. Some of the people with depression take medications such as Cymbalta, Zoloft or Lexapro to help cope with the symptoms, but know that you will not be cured of depression by just obediently popping pills like your doctor told you to.

You can take charge the minute you decide to. Be an active fighter, don’t let transient periods of low moments/horrible feelings/delusions or whatever you face bog you down. Soothe yourself down, learn to cope with them if they appear to stick with you most of the time.

About the stigma:

In the country I live in, there are much stigma surrounding the subject of mental illness or people seeing psychiatrist. I feel offended when my peers talk about people being crazy if he/she has schizophrenia. I am unable to explain to them as I would not like to disclose that I go to therapy and take meds. When I recover, I want to become an advocate and not be afraid to share my story. They can judge all they want and I don’t care.

I cannot guarantee you changing your perspectives like I’ve listed above you will entirely be free of symptoms, but I can assure you that you can be hopeful again, you can be a fighter and you can learn to cope with support from your loved ones.


Pdoc’s appointment: being disappointed

Today was a disappointing day. I planned what I was going to ask/tell my doctor way in advanced before my appointment today. I want to stop my medications, for several reasons:

Firstly, I feel my condition is due to a situation, namely my poor relationship skills, rather than biological.

Secondly, I feel I now have the capability to deal with my issues with help of therapy.

Thirdly, the medications are incredibly costly.

As my doctor said he would eventually stop my medications when we talked last session, I thought very positively that he would say yes this time around, as I asked him if I could stop now.

He refused and said that now is not the time. I probed furthur and asked if he could cut down one of the meds, either Seroquel or Lamictal, he still said no. He would do it, but not until at least end of the year or early 2015. I told him I wanted to test whether I could deal with issues on my own without the medication, he said he would prefer I face crisis or difficult times while on medication so that even though I react strongly, it would not be as strong.

He also talked to mum and explained to her about it. I am just quite disappointed with the outcome that I still got to take the medications till the end of the year at least. That’s freaking 7 months more.

Sometimes I think he just wants to keep me as long as I can so that he can profit from me. But he also said that he doesnt get paid from the medications at all.

As I negotiated furthur, he said it is a situation that is non-negotiable. If he were stricter with his patients, he said he wouldn’t explain at all. It would be a strict no no. It’s not his regulation, it’s the international protocol.

Sigh once again. But I will be a compliant patient, I will take my medications. Meanwhile, I will work on my interpersonal relationships.

hello?? anyone out there?

just as i think i am feeling better, i get disappointed again

because my mood swings again

or rather it’s a gradual process

usually I’m alone…. and I don’t feel talking to anyone.

I start to indulge in my own thoughts

and I get more and more stoned, and confused

Sometimes, my mind is chattering to one another,

my own voices talking to one another,

sometimes when it is too much to bear,

I start to talk out loud

and the conversation between me and the air

becomes a lil crazy.



A new (old experience) – Long term therapy: Round 2

Recently I have started therapy again, now with a psychologist. For the second time, I actually go for psychotherapy which cost a lot!! My parents are paying for it in addition to my medical bills. I am very grateful for that.

Having been in free counselling / therapy for such a long time, with many different counsellors, I have gained much insight and understanding of myself, my emotions, behavior, thinking.

now that I’m in university, building relationships has been challenging. And since I’m feeling very stable on my current dose (Seroquel 150 and Lamictal 100), I decide to try to build and maintain my relationships with others. Friendship especially.

My new therapist apparently prefers a systemic approach or simply put: family therapy. Well, I decide to give it a shot since 1-1 all these years doesn’t seem to be very effective.

Mood (1-10) : 9

Duration of mood: 2 weeks 🙂

possible BPD?

Today has been a very rough day for me. I feel so so sad.. At first, I was just wanting to finish my assignment in the morning, now I am just very depressed. tomorrow is my birthday. I dont want to feel the same way as I did for the past two years. I feel so upset I feel I cant live with this anymore. One minute I think I am fine and just was faking all of these for drama reason or scripting my own story. I can’t cope with the overwhelming emotions I am feeling. the fucking medications make me so slow that I can’t think well and do my assignment. No one seem to believe me. What can I do??? I feel so lost, so in pain. I want to cry so much..I dont feel well. I dont want to feel this way a day before my birthday.

心情。。(translation: emotions / feelings)

生, 又如何..


我, 越想 越失去方向


心, 跳,

很冷, 很痛, 好折磨

好辛苦的心情, 没人知道



我好想哭了, 却不知到怎么…


心想,心愿,  有能无力.

所有梦想, 理想, 都化成烟.


我累了 我累了