Category Archives: The Difficult Times

possible BPD?

Today has been a very rough day for me. I feel so so sad.. At first, I was just wanting to finish my assignment in the morning, now I am just very depressed. tomorrow is my birthday. I dont want to feel the same way as I did for the past two years. I feel so upset I feel I cant live with this anymore. One minute I think I am fine and just was faking all of these for drama reason or scripting my own story. I can’t cope with the overwhelming emotions I am feeling. the fucking medications make me so slow that I can’t think well and do my assignment. No one seem to believe me. What can I do??? I feel so lost, so in pain. I want to cry so much..I dont feel well. I dont want to feel this way a day before my birthday.

When is it going to end?

The dark clouds of depression seemed to always loom over my head. It comes for a moment, a period of time, could be hours, days, sometimes weeks and months. I don’t know if my life is going to be full of depression episodes, it seem like it won’t go away.

I am lost. I am now aware that I began to lose interest in things. Things I do I don’t know why I do them. There’s no meaning in it. It’s like me going through daily motions.. like a robot, a soulless robot. I hardly feel anymore. All that is within me is a heavy rock over my heart, constantly pressurizing it, my inner being.

Wrecked: Emotionally destroyed

Many times, I can’t prevent depressive feelings from rushing into me, into my soul, deep within it stirs. Tonight is one of those nights… Just hours ago, I was just elated for Im starting my university life officially tomorrow. I can’t wait~!! But never did I knew, after a few hours of Movie Marathon straight, it’s as if my mind was playing tricks on me.

It was as if my mind was playing TRICKS on ME!!!

It’s so UNFAIR, my soul shouted and wailed from inside of me..
I feel so down all of the sudden, I feel things are going dejavu / repeating again!!
I think of cutting myself again, I haven’t thought of doing it or done it in many many months, but now the feelings rushed back into me, deeply I feel hurt.

I am afraid, always overwhelmed in fear during these moments, not in those happy moments of mine where it seems like the new world is so so overwhelmingly POSITIVE, Nothing could break my will to be strong and to hang on and to see a positive silver lining at every adversity, every trouble.

But WHY??? Why does that seem impossible when these FAMILIAR, astonishingly FAMILIAR feelings come back?
They are intruding my every being as of now, just like it did before, mostly in the same depth… YET there is nothing I could do to stop the feeling from destroying my inner soul by the minute.

As much as I try to tell myself, “It’s okay, it’s gonna be alright, soon, it will be”, I STRUGGLE during that whole duration…. I feel hopeless, beyond help, and at the same time wishing I was no longer here, to end it all.

It seemed that the sadness wasn’t the type where it is at the CRAZILY sad till the CORE, BUT Because it has been SO SO consistent, and at the same severity, same type of gush of the emotions invading me, MY SOUL, MY HEART no longer can stand it anymore.

It’s been a really happy time where I have been living my few weeks literally anticipating the bright future I may have in UNI, the great experience etc etc..

BUT NOW IT SEEM TO BE ALL GONE>>>>>> NO one knows if I will get any better, because simply they don’t know I am having a problem. BUT I AM SO SO DEPRESSED AND FEELING SO HOPELESS to the point where I can’t even read a single paragraph of the book I bought by Anthony Robbins : Awaken the Giant within.

I am totally messed up!! How am I gonna help others with mental / emotional issues when I am unable to solve my own as well???? Someone SAVE me

Overwhelmed with fear and sadness

I FUCK LIFE!!!! WONT YOU MOOD SWINGS and BP2 LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM SO TIRED, I CANT SEEM TO DO ANYTHING RIGHT darn it!!! Another hours of suffering… that will never end. What’s the POINT!!! look at the bright side. what bright side? You feel a little ok now right? Then it’s gonna be fine. You always do get fine. I will be soon..

Today is yet another day where I feel the downs again.  I just am disappointed in my inability to predict what my mood will be in the next moment.  I don’t know, really.

I waited for a time where I could have my privacy. I called a local helpline, not putting any expectations, just calling hoping for someone to lean on, who will listen to me.

As usual, the beginning of the conversation while calling a helpline is full of fear.  I trembled as I try to explain my condition to the stranger at the line on the other side of the phone.

I felt comfort as the person emphatise with my condition.  She seemed to be able to comprehend what I was saying.  I felt relieved.  After 1 hour of talk, she gave me some tips to cope with my overwhelming moments of depressive states.

I slept the night feeling peaceful. 

How I wish…

Yesterday I went to see my Pdoc and overall I said I was feeling okay recently however still have some bouts where I was really really sad.  I recalled about a nightmare I had about a week ago where I dreamt I was killed / tortured / captured.. I was so afraid. Because I didn’t know what was wrong with me even after 3 months approx of treatment with Seroquel and Lamictal, I asked him what is my diagnosis.

He apparently forgot about what was it because his notes was not with him.  I reminded him that the probable ones are Depression, Bipolar II and BPD – Borderline Personality Disorder. He then said, “It should be Bipolar II with some BPD traits then”.  At that moment i just nodded.. and said “okay”

Later yesterday, around evening I suddenly recalled the session with him. I don’t feel i have bipolar. I don’t feel manic. When I feel happier, I would consider that an improvement from my depression.

I feel so alone, i can’t f***king talk to no one who can understand me.  They just say I am trying to get attention and all that sort.

Sometimes, medications make me feel better but other times I just feel so sad, so depressed as if my life is over.. My future seems bleak. I don’t even know if I can survive University.

Oh God, help me! I really do not know what else to do.

Do I really have Bipolar? Am I really sick mentally? I am still able to function most of the days..I am working in fact, 6 whole days a week. How is that mentally unwell?  Just that I get bored so easily and I forget things..i have annoying mood swings that i can’t control and depressed states which I can’t do anything to lift it up.  I am completely messed up!  What to do? I don’t want my future to be ruined by this thing! Whatever it is!

imageLife is a rocky road..

mood swings are again troubling me..  Just the day before yesterday, I was Crazy happy as an intern, at a local news firm.  I was given an assignment involving research. I spent 4 hours working on it and finally got it done.  Yesterday, I had a music concert to perform in, but I was really unhappy.  Unsure what’s wrong with my moods, but seriously I don’t feel good.

the concert was a huge success, towards the end my mood brighten up.

removing the make up was tedious though.

Today. Was equally a bad day. I feel really upset, sad n disappointed in myself.

i feel I can’t breathe. I feel sick, unwell…

one minute I feel slightly okay, one minute I feel so consumed by depression… I struggle with the inner pain, it consumes my being, my soul felt crushed for the whole situation of being in the whirlpool — of constant suffering.. Mental suffering.

just a while ago, few months back. I thought things will get better and so it did.

I’m afraid.  As I go to work everyday, I fear myself breaking down again.  I seem to be constantly aware of what’s going on inside of me. The emotions, are so obvious yet so difficult to part with.

Not sure of why, I seem to desperately telling other people about my difficulties.. 

Am I trying to seek attention? I don’t know.. But what I know for certain is that these sad, flat feelings and conflicted mind, seems to be repeating over and over again.. When will they end? And if they do end, what will happen to me? Will I change into a totally different person?

it sucks to feel depressed while working, pressured to deliver Work of certain quality and standard. I’m tired, of feeling all these feelings. No one guides me to the help I need although I am already on medications

It’s okay not to be perfect

Perfection

Achieving Perfectionism has always been a need for me.  In high school, writing a practice essay will be drafted again and again, many times until my standard of perfect is reached.  In college, my assignments were never, in my eyes good.  I would always see flaws in my work, just because I want everything I do to be perfect.  

Competing with classmates in academics was also a need for me.  Throughout my primary and secondary years, I was always in Top classes.  There, I feel the absolute need to succeed, I just want everything in my life to look good, appear fantastic so that other people will look up to me, just like how students look up to scholars.  My circle of friends were amazing smartypants.  I was smart too. But just wasn’t up to their par.  Everything they are were great.  I had a friend who lost her father in a car accident.  As I look at her during those school days, she was strong, I thought. This made me feel I was weak, as I get sad easily.  I feel inferior, I feel lonely as I never seem to say the right things, mix with my peers and have a happy life.

It has been years I search for happiness in my life.  I was never happy.  I remembered I was so sad about my life due to lack of friends, constantly being bullied because I was very small size – being prematured – during primary school.  At that time, I told God (whichever God it is, I wasn’t religious at that time and didn’t have a proper belief about God):

“Please, you can take me away now.  I am ready to die, I am done with life.”

Literally, I was in a school holiday trip at that time, I was supposed to have fun…. but that was what I wish for.

God didn’t take me away as I wished.  I lived through those years, those bitter years.  I guess how I cope back then in primary was telling myself it’s okay to not have friends.  I used to have this best friend, I will call her here. Once, I betrayed Z in a way where I told another mutual friend of ours, M, that likes the same boy she likes.  I thought I was doing them a favour.  Childlike thinking was that if they know that each other likes the same boy, they can discuss this boy together.  I thought I did a good deed, but hated me for leaking the secret.  We fought and finally we cut our friendship ties.

Now, being a young adult,  I had difficult and painful experiences in the past.  I’d lost friends, being suicidal, grieving over loss of a pet, depressed, falling short of my high expectations over and over…. Many things I had experienced, was painful.   Happy memories were few.  But I guessed I have to thank these experiences too.  Through them, I learned that Life is full of ups and downs. And among these peaks and troughs of life, there is few we can control, needless to talk about perfection.  


Through hardships I learned


it’s okay to let other win, 

it’s okay if you’re less than perfect, 

fall short of the cohort, 

it’s okay if you don’t match up to others’ standards… 


Because it’s important to know that you, me, all of us are unique.  Perfection is just an idealistic mindset, subjected to personal opinions, point of views and perspectives.  When things and situations don’t go your way, take it as simply unexpected hence less dull, or maybe take it as a challenge!

If you can’t remember anything I’ve mentioned earlier,

Just take home this message:

There’s no perfection in life.  As humans, it’s natural to want more, desire more.. There can never be enough.  So, seize time and opportunities in life, for we never know when we may not see tomorrow. Live life to the fullest!

May peace be with you, always.