Monthly Archives: November 2013

Grief: In the Memory of my Beloved Grandmother

It’s been two days since my beloved grandmother’s demise.  My days and nights have been difficult.

Thinking about many memorable moments I had with her.  She left my family and I at age 96.  While I would long for her to stay with us for another three or four more years, I know deep in my heart that is not possible.  When she left us on 20th November 2013, Wednesday at 3:33am, we were all by her side.  I was overwhelmed.  She was a strong woman, China woman, known to be very strong and determined.  As I try to adjust to her absence slowly and accept that he has indeed left us, I hope she know that I love her, always, and forever with all my heart.

Out of pure love, I wrote a note on Facebook, in memory of her.  This is to let other relatives and friends who got to know this wonderful woman to know how her last days were like.  I hope she can rest in peace and I pray for her soul fervently every day after her demise.

As days pass by, I hope the pain will gradually lose its power and grip over me.  I’m sure it’s not just me who is grieving, I am certain many who love grandma from the bottom of their hearts feel sad for her passing.

Cause of death was Cerebrovascular Accident (CVA) or Stroke.  I was glad to know from my Pdoc today that it’s better for her to go than to wake up from the coma shock from her frail condition.

Rest in Peace grandma.

Penning down in grief…

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Taking charge, Bearing responsibility

Too often, indeed too often, I tend to search outside (externally), from other people’s opinions to find out more of Who I Am?  It has always been a dilemma for me, to discover what is (the reality), to understand who I really am and most importantly to decide my at crossroads, at all paths of life.

      It is as though sometimes,

I may have literally but unknowingly “forced” answers out of other people.

These people around me can never give me the right answers,

because my

Questions

are all about and surrounding

the topic of

How to live a Life that has

no regrets no mistakes

simply wonderful,  amazing,  and perfect. 

One advantage of asking people to help you make decisions is that when something goes wrong, the responsibility will be on these people you’ve seek help from.  Well, I was afraid, overwhelmed with fear, as I’ve made many decisions that led to horrible consequences in the past.

The truth is “It’s not just Me,  We all have.”

But is it really that way?  Just because taking responsibility of our own decisions in our OWN lives seem devastating, unpredictable, risky or perhaps scary, no one can tell you “The Way” to live a good life.

The only person ever responsible is You alone,

Yes, indeed, Life is Tough,

It’s sometimes Overwhelming,

Awful situations Sucks,

There are times where you’ve run out of Energy

thinking that maybe you should cease the meaningless life of yours,

just like Shakespeare’s poem entitled Life’s Brief Candle

Ultimately it’s up to You,

because it’s Your Life,

you do what you want with it.

From a Christian perspective,

We ought to obey God,

learn to live according to His word.

He gives us the choice too,

to obey or not to obey,

the consequences then,

is for us to bear.

Proverbs 16

We can make our own plans, but the Lord gives the right answer.

Take Charge of your life, and Bear Responsibilities, which are ultimately yours.  Mistakes and setbacks are bound to happen.  Without them, how would we know what to avoid?  Without them, how do we train ourselves to bounce back quickly from adversities — build resilience?  Just like Thomas Edison, if he didn’t fail many many times, how can we able to have various types of lights today?  Accepting that mistakes are unavoidable and are here so that we can learn will help all of us to walk that first step, courageously and boldly, as we journey down the life-long course called “LIFE”.

Therapeutic Writing

Have you had a period of time where you just couldn’t get yourself to do anything? You just feel so down, uninterested in life, or the things, hobbies that you used to enjoy?  Well, I certainly have.  I feel emotions more than other people do, sometimes it is as if my world has gone on a roller coaster, emotions flying up and down, seemingly a never-ending roller coaster…

Well, during these intense emotional roller coaster(s) of mine, I find nonetheless the developed hobby of mine, writing, therapeutic.  It is an unconscious process, in which it has power and the capability to lift a little of that awful, terrible and persistent mood, allowing some streak of light to shine through the dark clouds that loom over my head.. What I would love to share here is that as I write, on a piece of paper, no matter what kind of paper, may it be..

Crumpled?



High quality A4…



Foolscap?!




or Colour papers 🙂

I find solace during the process,

despite the extremely pessimistic, depressing, disconcerting and painful content of the writing. 

 As I feel more and more present and aware, 

the bugging and disturbing roller coaster 

slowly 

lose its power over me.  

Calmness and peacefulness take over.  



WHY & HOW were the two questions I asked myself… With a calmer and more rational mind, I figured / realised the following

Why and How this works can be answered by

One Simple Reason:

It’s an Action!

Rather than doing what I always do, i.e. resting on the bed, thinking non-stop, losing control over my thoughts, letting it run Auto-Pilot by itself.  I decided to sit up and get to my working desk.  Because of this act of courage in the midst of sadness and despair, it led me to start writing.

This reminds me of CBT – Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, a technique I used to do as self help.  A little introduction on this psychological intervention.  It’s a therapy that can be done by yourself (DIY), which includes identifying irrational/negative/pessimistic/unhelpful thoughts and replacing them with more rational/positive/optimistic/helpful thoughts.  Then plan an Action/Behaviour to help yourself change your condition, i.e. any difficult situation you’re in and lastly, DO it.

Although Writing is NOT at all similar to CBT as it skipped the thought identifying-and-changing processes and jump straight to action, the idea of ACTION —  is that doing something or getting started with something, often requires more effort than THINKING.  Plus, action requires a person to consciously pay attention to the thing that he/she is doing or intending to do.  On the other hand, thinking is a process that can run fast (racing thoughts), go hay wired easily (as we focus too much in the thoughts) or go Auto-Pilot (non-stop which often causes insomnia). In my case, getting out of a self destructive thought and emotional process, required another process, a writing process, which is just about writing every single detail of what I think, feel, any desires, wants, needs, hopes, dreams, literally everything that comes to mind, no matter positive or negative.  Through the writing process, the negative emotions and thoughts are at the same time PROCESSED.. Hence, it is therapeutic, or close to it.

However, for all these to work, Intent must be there.  The intention to actually start off with something / do something will lead you to success.

One other thing that may contribute to the level of effectiveness of writing as a therapeutic tool probably is the presence of love for writing that comes with reading… For instance, an avid reader have higher chances of developing the interest, willingness and spontaneity to write, compared to a less keen reader.

I am a person who loves to write, freely that is.  So this worked for me.  My challenge for you is, Try it Out, when you feel necessary.. If it works for you, it’s FREE.

Here are some links you may be interested in:

Writing about Emotional Experiences as a Therapeutic Process by James W. Pennebaker (American Psychological Society 1997)

Something right or something wrong? Getting messier…

Sorta had an idea of writing a post 

that is more close to 

my HEART

Perhaps,

they’re a little more than 

anyone can think of

out-of-this-world

 

 
 

I don’t know

I really don’t

Somehow, 

at the perhaps so-called 

peak of life

at a point where everyone expects

some form of 

dreams,

goals, 

achievements,

vocation,

yadda, yadda, yadda

you name it.

 

On the other side apart from academics 

we presume / assume 

Fun

Joy

Peace

Happiness

Hope

Friends

Family 

Love

and many more of 

“the.good.things”

fall in the place.

 

Or at the very least

thought so

 

 

in the very essence

of life

I can safely say

many wanted

a sense of 

Self

Stability

Freedom

perhaps,

Wealth and 

the Temporary “happiness”

and

they will be satisfied.

 

 

In my current course of life

waves of stories 

like knitting a sweater

for winter 

I’d say

everyday

these stories

are constantly changing

fluctuating

The plot

has never been

fixed

 

It has come to a point 

there’s just 

void

emptiness

it’s like a hole

a black hole 

just like the ones

in the outer space

 

 

Daily motions

this is also another thing

I go through it

the daily motions

day-by-day

week-by-week

along the way

as I repeat these routines

s.t.u.d.y

p.a.r.t. t.i.m.e. j.o.b

s.h.o.w.e.r

f.o.o.d

s.l.e.e.p

I doubt I existed

 

 

At this moment

I’m lost

clueless of

whether or not

there’s something wrong 

in myself

 

Most times,

I feel fine

capable

amazing

confident

sociable

pretty

you name any positive description 

of a girl similar to my age

I feel that

 

And here comes

the hurricane

that hits

no matter

rain or sunshine

 

 

Tomorrow

is another of Pdoc’s appointment

As I try my very best to find out

if anything is going on

or whateva is going on

 

I sincerely hope

whatever choice I make

will be the right one. 

 

Drowsily and tiredly

Signing off

Relaxed day

Officially, next Wednesday is the start of my exams!

 

I’m happy.  As soon as it starts, it will be over by no time.

 

Had amazing lunch (fried rice) near CPU  building @ RM6 with some amazing friends

 

Today, I felt generally fine, probably the meds kicking in.  I’ve also achieved a wonderful realization about my current situation. Yay! 🙂

 

Great piano class I had this evening and for some sort, I was mostly in a great mood today, not feeling depressed / down. Generally upbeat!  Hope my mood wouldn’t swing too much and my mind will stay focused on preparation for exams.

 

Will be doing some quiet time before I sleep tonight.

 

Signing off.