These days aren’t great days for me… Having to have dealt with an episode of depression towards the end of year 2012, I wanted things / situations to be different and my life to Change.
Since I terminated treatment against medical advice (AMA), I hated Psychiatry and basically all psychiatrists in a sense. I became an obsessive avid reader of Psychiatry and Psychology, trying to figure out what were the mental disorders all about.
Beginning 2013, I started college and things are getting better, I was in fact Happy! It just felt that my life is getting amazing, it’s going to be an interesting and amazingly awesome year!! 🙂
In March, I started to spiral downhill, sadness, frustration, anger slowly seep into my soul.
I worked with my counselor in college since then on issues that bothered me a lot and impaired my ability to function during lectures.
Life, for me at this very moment, is tormenting, sad and just full of frustration. I wish words could explain how I feel.
Throughout this year, I spent tremendous amount of time, thinking and thinking about problems that might occur soon, such as relapse of my depression, panic attack and anxieties episode from 2012.. I spent much time in counseling, struggling in my studies, concentration.. Horrible stuff. The messiness in my mind that I could no longer try to describe.
STIGMA, used to be the main issue why I do not share my feelings, my struggles with other people, even my family. But now, they know about my condition, and I find solace, I find comfort in God’s mercy and grace, giving me strength every step of my path.
Just yesterday, I went for my Pdoc’s appointment for an official assessment. I was hoping, someone, something could help me drag myself out of my bed. Sadly, there was no clear indication of what I was suffering with yet. However, Dr told me some possibilities. It may be Depression, Bipolar II or Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).
Even though I’ve read through a few chapters of the DSM IV-TR, I am not so sure what was BPD. I decided not to read too much about mental illnesses/disorders already as I’m not feeling very well.. It makes me analyse even more and anxious.
The Bipolar II, I wasn’t sure why was it being even considered possible for me. Maybe it’s because I kept feeling the need to spend money, going for shopping, and just eat a lot of food. Being an aspiring psychologist in the future, I want to enter degree in Psychology desperately and I want to be able to function again, possibly better. Right now, I don’t feel okay, but I am holding on to Hope, trying to be Positive, constantly reminding myself that I CAN, and that there are people out there who are dealing with things worse than mine.
My psychiatrist then prescribed me:
1) Xanax (Alprazolam) 0.25mg
2) Lamictal dispersible (Lamotrigine) 25mg
3) Seroquel (Quetiapine) 25mg
4) Seroquel (Quetiapine) 200mg
I’ve asked him if I really needed them, he said for now, YES. my god… I really don’t feel I can go for my final exams starting next week. My mood swings, I feel depressed. I don’t know if anyone wants to be around me anymore.
On the outside I still continue faking as if I’m alright, I am happy, but deep down I’m not.
I’ve taken Lamictal and Seroquel 50mg yesterday night after dinner. I did felt dizzy when I stood up that night, going towards the kitchen to grab a glass of water.
This morning when I woke up, I decided that I want to be POSITIVE, I want to start thinking positive. I will just tell myself that nothing is wrong with me as there is no actual diagnosis yet.
I will ACCEPT my current down, depressed, unstable emotions and mood situation, I will be strong and battle this thing. Because no one can help me unless I help myself.
Acceptance is what I need to deal with my life problems and I think all of us need this element too! A lecturer once told me that research have shown that it’s human nature to be pessimistic, so we all Learn to be Optimistic!
That’s all for now. I hope anyone of you struggling with life out there hold on to hope like me, be patient and surrender all your worries to God.