Being strong: Accepting what is, not thinking about what should be

These days aren’t great days for me… Having to have dealt with an episode of depression towards the end of year 2012, I wanted things / situations to be different and my life to Change. 

Since I terminated treatment against medical advice (AMA), I hated Psychiatry and basically all psychiatrists in a sense.  I became an obsessive avid reader of Psychiatry and Psychology, trying to figure out what were the mental disorders all about.

Beginning 2013, I started college and things are getting better, I was in fact Happy!  It just felt that my life is getting amazing, it’s going to be an interesting and amazingly awesome year!!   🙂

In March, I started to spiral downhill, sadnessfrustrationanger slowly seep into my soul.

I worked with my counselor in college since then on issues that bothered me a lot and impaired my ability to function during lectures

Life, for me at this very moment, is tormenting, sad and just full of frustration.  I wish words could explain how I feel.

Throughout this year, I spent tremendous amount of time, thinking and thinking about problems that might occur soon, such as relapse of my depression, panic attack and anxieties episode from 2012.. I spent much time in counseling, struggling in my studies, concentration.. Horrible stuff. The messiness in my mind that I could no longer try to describe.

STIGMA, used to be the main issue why I do not share my feelings, my struggles with other people, even my family.  But now, they know about my condition, and I find solace, I find comfort in God’s mercy and grace, giving me strength every step of my path.

Just yesterday, I went for my Pdoc’s appointment for an official assessment.  I was hoping, someone, something could help me drag myself out of my bed.  Sadly, there was no clear indication of what I was suffering with yet. However, Dr told me some possibilities.  It may be Depression, Bipolar II or Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

Even though I’ve read through a few chapters of the DSM IV-TR, I am not so sure what was BPD.  I decided not to read too much about mental illnesses/disorders already as I’m not feeling very well..  It makes me analyse even more and anxious. 

The Bipolar II, I wasn’t sure why was it being even considered possible for me.  Maybe it’s because I kept feeling the need to spend money, going for shopping, and just eat a lot of food.  Being an aspiring psychologist in the future, I want to enter degree in Psychology desperately and I want to be able to function again, possibly better.  Right now, I don’t feel okay, but I am holding on to Hope, trying to be Positive, constantly reminding myself that I CAN, and that there are people out there who are dealing with things worse than mine.

My psychiatrist then prescribed me:

1) Xanax (Alprazolam) 0.25mg

2) Lamictal dispersible (Lamotrigine) 25mg

3) Seroquel (Quetiapine) 25mg

4) Seroquel (Quetiapine) 200mg

I’ve asked him if I really needed them, he said for now, YES.  my god… I really don’t feel I can go for my final exams starting next week.  My mood swings, I feel depressed.  I don’t know if anyone wants to be around me anymore. 

On the outside I still continue faking as if I’m alright, I am happy, but deep down I’m not.

I’ve taken Lamictal and Seroquel 50mg yesterday night after dinner.  I did felt dizzy when I stood up that night, going towards the kitchen to grab a glass of water.

This morning when I woke up, I decided that I want to be POSITIVE, I want to start thinking positive.  I will just tell myself that nothing is wrong with me as there is no actual diagnosis yet. 

I will ACCEPT my current down, depressed, unstable emotions and mood situation, I will be strong and battle this thing. Because no one can help me unless I help myself.   

Acceptance is what I need to deal with my life problems and I think all of us need this element too!  A lecturer once told me that research have shown that it’s human nature to be pessimistic, so we all Learn to be Optimistic!

That’s all for now.  I hope anyone of you struggling with life out there hold on to hope like me, be patient and surrender all your worries to God.

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