Visit to the Pdoc

this day is the day where I am supposed to see my Dr again.

During this appointment, I had many things to tell him.  About my crazy hyper cool yeah mode at work which just happened out of the sudden… and also the days where I don’t feel like doing anything.

As usual, he offered possible explanations to my complaints. Making as if things are normal. As in it’s normal to feel restless, not wanting to work on some days, while passionate to do what I do on other days.

I questioned his diagnosis this time, asking him if he was sure it wasn’t a pure depression.  I forgot his response, as I was just out-of-it at that time.  I often get distracted in sessions.  Just like my counselling sessions before.

Frankly speaking, i wanted myself to be able to stop medications and all those sessions a.s.a.p. !! It makes me feel dependent on medications.  But i just knew I would be desperately wanting to go back on meds when I start to face problems particularly emotional problems or make-believed problems.

I seem to always want to understand everything I deal with on a daily basis.  It’s like something I NEED TO ACHIEVE.  unsure why.

When I told Dr I called a helpline for some comfort during my sadness, he said that he doubt how they would be able to help.  As I contacted a clinical psych to ask for charges, it turn out to be 300 over bucks for a one-hour session.  Even though I should be able to claim the money, at this point of time, I do not see a need for that yet.

What was even more depressing and making me suspect his motives is that he said it could take months and months for me to get to the level of “normal” that I want. He asked me what I expected from him,  I don’t know.. Now I think of it, I would probably say Miracle.

I got to learn to be patient, he says.  I don’t want to!  I just need to get back on track ASAP and do what I love, at my very best!

I also asked him if my history of depression and this thing now would affect my future employment. He believes not as seeking medical help is a private matter, NO ONE needs to know.  I agree to this too!  I CHOOSE WHO and WHEN to tell.  No one else can tell me otherwise.

What I forgot to tell him was that the medications seriously affect my concentration. I could not focus on driving nor playing the piano.  I have a piano exam soon in March.  I got to focus which I hardly can with the meds playing around with my brain.

FInally, I got my prescription for Seroquel and Lamictal at the same doses again. This time, surprisingly, he charged higher fee of 120 bucks compared to its usual 90 bucks consultation. it was 45-50 minutes long. Not sure why he charges at a higher rate, didn’t bother to ask at that time either.

Tada, that’s all

Messy Me

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