Yesterday I went to see my Pdoc and overall I said I was feeling okay recently however still have some bouts where I was really really sad. I recalled about a nightmare I had about a week ago where I dreamt I was killed / tortured / captured.. I was so afraid. Because I didn’t know what was wrong with me even after 3 months approx of treatment with Seroquel and Lamictal, I asked him what is my diagnosis.
He apparently forgot about what was it because his notes was not with him. I reminded him that the probable ones are Depression, Bipolar II and BPD – Borderline Personality Disorder. He then said, “It should be Bipolar II with some BPD traits then”. At that moment i just nodded.. and said “okay”
Later yesterday, around evening I suddenly recalled the session with him. I don’t feel i have bipolar. I don’t feel manic. When I feel happier, I would consider that an improvement from my depression.
I feel so alone, i can’t f***king talk to no one who can understand me. They just say I am trying to get attention and all that sort.
Sometimes, medications make me feel better but other times I just feel so sad, so depressed as if my life is over.. My future seems bleak. I don’t even know if I can survive University.
Oh God, help me! I really do not know what else to do.
Do I really have Bipolar? Am I really sick mentally? I am still able to function most of the days..I am working in fact, 6 whole days a week. How is that mentally unwell? Just that I get bored so easily and I forget things..i have annoying mood swings that i can’t control and depressed states which I can’t do anything to lift it up. I am completely messed up! What to do? I don’t want my future to be ruined by this thing! Whatever it is!
Life within a messy mind 