How I wish…

Yesterday I went to see my Pdoc and overall I said I was feeling okay recently however still have some bouts where I was really really sad.  I recalled about a nightmare I had about a week ago where I dreamt I was killed / tortured / captured.. I was so afraid. Because I didn’t know what was wrong with me even after 3 months approx of treatment with Seroquel and Lamictal, I asked him what is my diagnosis.

He apparently forgot about what was it because his notes was not with him.  I reminded him that the probable ones are Depression, Bipolar II and BPD – Borderline Personality Disorder. He then said, “It should be Bipolar II with some BPD traits then”.  At that moment i just nodded.. and said “okay”

Later yesterday, around evening I suddenly recalled the session with him. I don’t feel i have bipolar. I don’t feel manic. When I feel happier, I would consider that an improvement from my depression.

I feel so alone, i can’t f***king talk to no one who can understand me.  They just say I am trying to get attention and all that sort.

Sometimes, medications make me feel better but other times I just feel so sad, so depressed as if my life is over.. My future seems bleak. I don’t even know if I can survive University.

Oh God, help me! I really do not know what else to do.

Do I really have Bipolar? Am I really sick mentally? I am still able to function most of the days..I am working in fact, 6 whole days a week. How is that mentally unwell?  Just that I get bored so easily and I forget things..i have annoying mood swings that i can’t control and depressed states which I can’t do anything to lift it up.  I am completely messed up!  What to do? I don’t want my future to be ruined by this thing! Whatever it is!

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