Perfection
Achieving Perfectionism has always been a need for me. In high school, writing a practice essay will be drafted again and again, many times until my standard of perfect is reached. In college, my assignments were never, in my eyes good. I would always see flaws in my work, just because I want everything I do to be perfect.
Competing with classmates in academics was also a need for me. Throughout my primary and secondary years, I was always in Top classes. There, I feel the absolute need to succeed, I just want everything in my life to look good, appear fantastic so that other people will look up to me, just like how students look up to scholars. My circle of friends were amazing smartypants. I was smart too. But just wasn’t up to their par. Everything they are were great. I had a friend who lost her father in a car accident. As I look at her during those school days, she was strong, I thought. This made me feel I was weak, as I get sad easily. I feel inferior, I feel lonely as I never seem to say the right things, mix with my peers and have a happy life.
It has been years I search for happiness in my life. I was never happy. I remembered I was so sad about my life due to lack of friends, constantly being bullied because I was very small size – being prematured – during primary school. At that time, I told God (whichever God it is, I wasn’t religious at that time and didn’t have a proper belief about God):
“Please, you can take me away now. I am ready to die, I am done with life.”
Literally, I was in a school holiday trip at that time, I was supposed to have fun…. but that was what I wish for.
God didn’t take me away as I wished. I lived through those years, those bitter years. I guess how I cope back then in primary was telling myself it’s okay to not have friends. I used to have this best friend, I will call her Z here. Once, I betrayed Z in a way where I told another mutual friend of ours, M, that Z likes the same boy she likes. I thought I was doing them a favour. Childlike thinking was that if they know that each other likes the same boy, they can discuss this boy together. I thought I did a good deed, but Z hated me for leaking the secret. We fought and finally we cut our friendship ties.
Now, being a young adult, I had difficult and painful experiences in the past. I’d lost friends, being suicidal, grieving over loss of a pet, depressed, falling short of my high expectations over and over…. Many things I had experienced, was painful. Happy memories were few. But I guessed I have to thank these experiences too. Through them, I learned that Life is full of ups and downs. And among these peaks and troughs of life, there is few we can control, needless to talk about perfection.
Through hardships I learned
it’s okay to let other win,
it’s okay if you’re less than perfect,
fall short of the cohort,
it’s okay if you don’t match up to others’ standards…
Because it’s important to know that you, me, all of us are unique. Perfection is just an idealistic mindset, subjected to personal opinions, point of views and perspectives. When things and situations don’t go your way, take it as simply unexpected hence less dull, or maybe take it as a challenge!
If you can’t remember anything I’ve mentioned earlier,
Just take home this message:
There’s no perfection in life. As humans, it’s natural to want more, desire more.. There can never be enough. So, seize time and opportunities in life, for we never know when we may not see tomorrow. Live life to the fullest!
May peace be with you, always.
Life within a messy mind 